Im the kind of person that internalises stress. The kind that complains through clenched teeth, going over and over the same issues, cribbing and complaining, even though mostly to myself and those in my immediate circle of all things that matter. The kind that gets consumed by a pain point. Letting it get the better of me, until something miraculous happens (like an impulsive rushed trip to the closest dessert store, to gorge on chocolate) that makes me snap out of it.
I used to be a lot worse. With age, Iv learnt to let things go. Or so Id like to think. So yes, its better now, but lets just say I havent reached that Zen state as yet — where I choose to be the bigger person and accept everything that comes my way with an unperturbed calm composure. Nope, thats not quite me. And of late Iv been a big bundle of stress collected over the days. In my shoulders, my calves, my back, my jaws. Tense and irritable, just waiting to snap at the drop of a hat.
While I ran through my days in a blur I wondered what was lacking, why I couldnt find that balance. That drop of water that would show me inner peace. And this weekend I found what I was looking for. Happiness and that calm and peace that has eluded me for so long now.
I found it in waking up early.
In drinking 2 cups of chai.
In my warm toast with dollops of melted butter and honey.
In doing my chores at my pace.
In washing dishes and doing the laundry for the week.
In wearing an old pair of shorts again.
In a visit to the vegetable market.
In a long forgotten song that came on in the car.
In a veg thali.
In conversation over coffee cake.
In laughter about my younger days.
In watching the rain.
In an afternoon nap.
In meeting someone you have only read so far.
In realising how at home I am.
In realising how much Im enjoying something I was mortally afraid of.
In living for the moment.
In cooking dinner for three.
In a colorful salad and in basil, herbs, tomatoes and meat.
In a fantastic movie.
In laughter and joy.
Pretty much everywhere I looked. It was waiting for me. Filling every pore with its intense flavour. Life, as I knew it, has returned. And it feels so damn good.