Stop this train

The train that never stops. That pretty much sums up the way I’ve gotten through the past two and a half weeks. Short as that might seem, I’m tired. And what’s worse is that I’m tired all the time. The days have begun to blur. Weekends feel like non-weekends. The nights pass all too quickly. Every new day feels like a Monday morning. Waking up and facing the day ahead is a Herculean task. Staying awake and focused is becoming a bitch. Everything in between is dull and uninteresting. There is a will to just let go and drop the ball. Leave things unfinished and move on. But I’m not sure where. I just wish things would stop for a while. Just so you I can take a breather. Just be. And not do anything. Just for a change.

Do you ever get the feeling you’re running without knowing where or how? That’s how I’ve felt this past few weeks. Diwali has come and gone, and I haven’t felt even remotely festive. The bright spark was an evening of celebrations at work. Traditional attire, a kandil making contest, a rangoli contest and how can we forget the food. Yeah, so I pulled out a sari, set a personal record for the longest I’ve ever had a sari on, participated wholeheartedly and for a bit there I felt all nostalgic about the usual festivities. I felt I should be home with my parents. But that was it. The moment I went home, the eagerness to light diyas and bring out the tea candles was gone. The inspiration to make fudge squares and laddoos disappeared even before I could say Happy Diwali. All I could think of was crawling into bed and never waking up.

I’m probably overreacting because maybe this is just another phase with an upsurge at work. I have felt this sense of breathlessness and fatigue several times before. It does go away. Yes, it does. But I just hate that we have to keep coming back to this low every now and then. Where the hours tick on, and we’re working hard. We’re all trying, but things just don’t feel like they’re getting done. Like we can proudly tick them off our ever-growing list of tasks to finish. Getting out of the rut and changing the game is almost impossible.

How did I land myself in this spot again? It feels like just yesterday I was enveloped in the set, yet unpredictable life I had created for myself. Where my day usually began with a power breakfast rather than a power-packed meeting. Where planning meant figuring out which new recipe to try out for lunch, and not juggling a million to-dos wondering which Project Manager to fight off first. Where making time to work meant allowing the inspiration to kick in whenever it pleased, amidst reading, blogging, watching TV, painting, sometimes even in the middle of the night. When lunch was lovingly cooked everyday and I felt fit. Where there was time for everything: home, work, exercise, sleep, nothingness too. Somehow I got so much more done, and still had time. Now I’m working hard and there’s still never any time left to do the things I really want to.

It feels like just yesterday I was enjoying the impromptu drives out all by myself. The solitary coffee and muffin sometimes. The weekends by the beach. The books I devoured at lightning speeds. The kitchen excitement. The alone time. The flashes of sudden inspiration. The satisfaction of work well done.

I miss it all. I need some stillness in life. So just stop this train. I want to get off and go home again.

PS: If this sounds like a schizophrenic rant, it probably is and this too shall pass. Or so I hope.

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12 Replies to “Stop this train”

  1. Woah… I think I read your post at lightening speed too.

    Dunno if it’ll help you, but I engage in what I call my ‘5 minute rebellion moment’ whenever I’m in such a situation. 5 minutes of whatever it is I want to do – music, stare out into nothingness, a walk…whatever.

    Rebellion because I know I’m packed with work and have no time, but I couldn’t care less. Gotta give to get.

    And it helps heaps. :)

  2. Beautiful!!!
    I know every visitor would identify with this post. Personally I go through the where am i headed and how thoughts a lot of times these days.
    Life has become a saga of simple things that we want to do but just cannot, like staring the wind serenading the trees, enjoying the rain, basking in the glory of the winter sun…just memories.
    However, as an optimist I pray that those of us who seek stillness, find some of it to rejuvenate us soon, Amen!
    my first time here but surely not the last, I love the narrative, Cheers! :)

    1. Glad you could identify.. I think its a constant tussle of doing the things you love vs doing the things you need to. I think we’re cursed never to find a balance, so this is going to be a neverending see-saw!

  3. Few things I could think of –
    1. Try your hand at some other job..maybe self employment? So atleast you can pace your rat race

    2. Take more weekend breaks just to unwind. Days pass into nothingness if you wait too long to unwind

    3. Figure out how long you want to work till you have enough to retire. Am right now totally envious of some friends who have quit with a few years of living expenses saved up and plan to start their own thing.

    1. You’re right Anita, days really do just melt away when the unwinding doesnt happen as regularly as it should.
      I tried the self-employment thing, and the old life I talk about was just that. I was doing it even up until 1 year ago. But thats the tradeoff with being in a smaller place like Goa. Not as many opportunities in my line of work sitting at home by myself. And we’re not in that space of life where I can quit altogether.
      Yes, the larger plan is to have a goal, work for a good while, and quit to do something on our own. Maybe a restaurant, maybe a phootgraphy gig, maybe study. Lots of options and ideas right now :D
      That said, until 2 weeks ago life was bliss, this was a passing phase, which I hope is over as of yesterday :)
      Thanks for the tips.

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