The train that never stops. That pretty much sums up the way I’ve gotten through the past two and a half weeks. Short as that might seem, I’m tired. And what’s worse is that I’m tired all the time. The days have begun to blur. Weekends feel like non-weekends. The nights pass all too quickly. Every new day feels like a Monday morning. Waking up and facing the day ahead is a Herculean task. Staying awake and focused is becoming a bitch. Everything in between is dull and uninteresting. There is a will to just let go and drop the ball. Leave things unfinished and move on. But I’m not sure where. I just wish things would stop for a while. Just so you I can take a breather. Just be. And not do anything. Just for a change.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re running without knowing where or how? That’s how I’ve felt this past few weeks. Diwali has come and gone, and I haven’t felt even remotely festive. The bright spark was an evening of celebrations at work. Traditional attire, a kandil making contest, a rangoli contest and how can we forget the food. Yeah, so I pulled out a sari, set a personal record for the longest I’ve ever had a sari on, participated wholeheartedly and for a bit there I felt all nostalgic about the usual festivities. I felt I should be home with my parents. But that was it. The moment I went home, the eagerness to light diyas and bring out the tea candles was gone. The inspiration to make fudge squares and laddoos disappeared even before I could say Happy Diwali. All I could think of was crawling into bed and never waking up.
I’m probably overreacting because maybe this is just another phase with an upsurge at work. I have felt this sense of breathlessness and fatigue several times before. It does go away. Yes, it does. But I just hate that we have to keep coming back to this low every now and then. Where the hours tick on, and we’re working hard. We’re all trying, but things just don’t feel like they’re getting done. Like we can proudly tick them off our ever-growing list of tasks to finish. Getting out of the rut and changing the game is almost impossible.
How did I land myself in this spot again? It feels like just yesterday I was enveloped in the set, yet unpredictable life I had created for myself. Where my day usually began with a power breakfast rather than a power-packed meeting. Where planning meant figuring out which new recipe to try out for lunch, and not juggling a million to-dos wondering which Project Manager to fight off first. Where making time to work meant allowing the inspiration to kick in whenever it pleased, amidst reading, blogging, watching TV, painting, sometimes even in the middle of the night. When lunch was lovingly cooked everyday and I felt fit. Where there was time for everything: home, work, exercise, sleep, nothingness too. Somehow I got so much more done, and still had time. Now I’m working hard and there’s still never any time left to do the things I really want to.
It feels like just yesterday I was enjoying the impromptu drives out all by myself. The solitary coffee and muffin sometimes. The weekends by the beach. The books I devoured at lightning speeds. The kitchen excitement. The alone time. The flashes of sudden inspiration. The satisfaction of work well done.
I miss it all. I need some stillness in life. So just stop this train. I want to get off and go home again.
PS: If this sounds like a schizophrenic rant, it probably is and this too shall pass. Or so I hope.