To say that the difference between the way I’ve felt all week and the way I felt since the moment I woke up this morning, is like the difference between night and day, would be a gross underestimation. All week I’ve been tired, jaded, negative and down. And miraculously I woke up this morning beaming, energetic, inspired and happy. How does this work like that?
The joy of finally having a weekend with no plans, no work, no chores, no nothing, is really a joy unparalleled. I want nothing more than to do nothing for a while. Just be blank. Let things move, and take me if they will. Or else, just stay put. Veg out. In front of the television, because all I want is no-thinking-time.
It’s been a week of heavy thinking. Work-wise and otherwise too. The whys and the ifs and the buts and the how-comes and why-mes have plagued me all week long. Taking me to the dark recesses of my mind, places I haven’t been in years now. Because the truth is, I have been at my broodiest best all week. Irritable, edgy, cynical and snappy. Much to everybody’s annoyance. Everybody around me, that is. I’m sure my colleagues sense it. I know the husband most definitely does. And most of all, my pillow senses it. Because there hasn’t been a single day this week that I have gone to bed without a head full of thoughts I’d much rather not think about.
It’s like I’ve forgotten what its like to be crabby. I have forgotten how one deals with the lows. I am ill-equipped to handle a situation that has made me unhappy. I don’t know what it is anymore, to brood. To mull over things. And to be forced into a corner where I have to take some very life-changing decisions.
There was a time in my life when I was always contemplative. Had so many multiple unpredictable and indefinite aspects of my life to juggle. And invariably I was left confused, sad and unsure of myself. In recent times that facet of my life has vanished. Things have *touch wood* fallen into place, all-round. And everything has moved perfectly in sync, all forwards, for the better. And bam! out of the blue, comes this test of my willpower. My resilience. My passion. And I’m clearly out of my depth here.
I have forgotten what it is to be sad. And I don’t know what one does to get out of it.
I suppose the negative side of that is that its probably going to be harder for me to get out of this pit that I have dug myself into. Because I have to re-learn all the things it takes to pick oneself up and move. But I suppose I could focus on the bright side. Which is the ironic realisation that all has been more than very well for close to two years now. And I can’t believe I have glossed over it without a thought. And that it took a minor road bump which actually made me look back and notice.
So excuse me if I take a while to come out of this funk. I will, I’m sure. I just need some time to figure out what I’m going to do. I also probably need a nice holiday. To distance myself from this situation and re-evaluate. Or maybe what I need is a weekend like this. No plans, no work, no chores, no nothing.