Blue. It’s been a recurring theme in my updates this month.
There’s been no escaping it in the last month. Everywhere I go, I feel blue. No matter what I do, the days are blue. The nights, bluer still. And honestly, I’m sick of it. Because I haven’t been this blue in forever.
So let me just be out with it. Come clean. Mostly because I think it will be the first step to begin to make amends. To feel better. To keep pace with the unpredictable up and down that seems to have made its home in my life. But most of all just to try and accept the uncertainties that have crept in, to paint what used to be my orderly happy life, a pale shade of blue.
So here it is. I’m troubled. By work. By what has become of my routine. By the way everything feels like it is beyond my control. By how there seems to be no solution anywhere in sight.
Im stuck on the see-saw of work and life. Swinging wildly from one side to another, with the world spinning around me. Its a rut I am not able to get out of.
The unpredictability of it all is just getting to me. I’ve had it with coming into every new day unsure of what is to come. Whether my ideas and copy will flow effortlessly. Or if clients will behave themselves. Project managers will be reasonable. If colleagues will lend a hand. I need some order and I need it now.
I’m kind of done living it up on weekends only to dread Monday mornings, when everything invariably does come crashing down. The week is a chore, and as Friday crawls closer, I feel the energy seep back into me. I crave emptiness and alone time and the weekend brings promise of a lot of it. The cycle is sapping the life out of me.
And here’s the mother of all reasons: I’m scared. Scared shitless. To do what it takes to pull myself out of this. I’m scared to face up to the melancholy. To take stock. To clear out the confusion in my head. And take a decision.
This is probably the crux of it all. What I need to battle first, and watch everything else fall into place.
Clarity often dawns most unexpectedly. And last week, as I walked out of work, contemplating what I am so afraid of, it suddenly struck me. I’m afraid of uncertainty. I’m afraid of taking a chance. And I’m afraid of running free. What I have become is a creature of habit. A victim of plans. Life, has become a set of certainties and a slight shift has thrown me off. I could go on and on about the struggle to balance work an life. About how caught I’m in the rut of unreal expectations. And about how life is really what I make of it. But the truth is this: the last year has seen me steadily shifting back into a mould. A mould I had broken and come out of when I moved to Goa.
Really, blue is the colour of uncertainty. But who knows, if I remind myself of what it was like to embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow, life will bring out the best and shower me in a rainbow of colours?