Yup, thats how I feel today. Finally. I’ve been waiting for this peaceful, easy feeling for weeks now. And it is here today. Several unfinished drafts over the past 10 days would have told you what a roller-coaster ride race its been, to the finish of 2011. But after a point I got sick of all the ranting and all the negativity I seem to have gathered. It’s time to roll, I figured and let it all go. Shake it off, rather than sit around and let it collect in ways that can fester and turn acrid.
Call it silly, but there is something cathartic about the year coming to an end. And I found solace in telling myself that the year’s end would put an end to the general sense of doom that’s been hanging around me. That the new year would bring in some joy and…well, new-ness. Sure, it is just the passage of time, and the sun sets on the 31st only to rise on the 1st, just the way it does over and over, every single day. There is no real reason why it should hold any significance and I have never been big on NYE celebrations, in a lets-get-drunk-and-kill-it kind of way. But this time the end of the year seems to have come with a whole lot of changes. It has brought me to the brink. And by the end, I just wanted the damn month, the damn year and everything with it to bloody end already.
To put a little Zen spin on it, I could say 2011 was all about filling the cup. Doing lots of things. Juggling home, work and a million other things. Trying to read enough, trying to cook to my hearts content, trying to write beyond work, trying to keep the balls rolling and not let them drop at any point. So much so, that I have no space for the new-ness that I crave. I have a sense of the new experiences and new happiness that I want, but no time or space to accommodate it into my life.
I can’t lie, the last few months have been shitty, shitty, shitty. In a way that has turned the whole year gone by into an utterly forgettable, nothing-worthy-to-note collection of months, weeks and days that just passed me by, and in retrospect its left me with a sense of emptiness, not knowing why I’m doing what I am. So it was really lovely to tick down time and think Good Riddance! as the clock struck 12, last night. I hugged the husband, the only constant I have had in this year of much change. And I wished for 2012 be all about emptying the overflowing cup. De-cluttering life, simplifying things, decompressing and winding down. Making space for news-ness. And I wished for courage, better sense and acceptance of things to come and years of happiness for us and for our families.
If I had one word to describe 2011, it would be hectic, in every sense. So I want 2012 to be to everything but that. Eventful, but peaceful. Exciting, but mellow. Upbeat, but paced out.
I spent all of yesterday exploring parts of South Goa. Driving around with the husband and Sirish. The afternoon featured a hearty lunch, much conversation, laughter and quiet time. New Year’s Eve itself was spent on my balcony. Music, the husband, drink in hand. Our first NYE all to ourselves, I couldn’t have wished for better. I want the year to be full of exploration and new experiences, yet simple and quiet, and there was no better way to set it off.
You know what they say…whatever you do on New Year’s Eve, sets the precedent for the rest of the year. The tone for things to come, in a manner of speaking. If what they say is true, I think this just might be the first time that I got it absolutely right.
2012, bring it.