I’ve been there, done that

I think it was listening to this song that made it all come back. Either that, or the spur-of-the-moment glitch of opening a hotmail account that really should never be looked at again. No, not even to delete spam.

One or the other. Or both, maybe.

That’s when I had the unnecessary cold sweat. The same old fear, I’d conveniently forgotten. The flash of memories. Of the unnecessary tears, trauma, self-doubt, hatred and love all wrapped into one. The silent whispers that scream dread and worry. The thrill of playing with fire, and the reckless pleasure of not giving a damn. The high of love, the pain of letting go. The safety and comfort of familiarity, the restlessness for something new. The knowledge that something is bad for you, the delusion that is is good for you.

I’ve been there. Done it too. Until I could no more. Until I set fire to the rain, threw us into the flames, where I felt something die, and I knew that there was the last time.


9 thoughts on “I’ve been there, done that

  1. I was searching for something through my inbox and the keyword I entered suddenly showed up a bunch of results, including mails from my the first love-of-my-life boyfriend.

    I read through some of them and wished I was as naive now as I used to be then.
    First love… there’s nothing quite like it is there? :)

    Our breakup was nasty, heart-breaking, soul-wrenching. It changed me completely. And I’ll never go back to being that person again.

    But I’m not saddened by the mails, I’m okay. I don’t feel anger or resentment. Just a sense of nostalgia. But it’s fiiiiine. I’m fiiiine.

    You’ll be fine too. :) Don’t need to delete the mails. Just give it time.

  2. Ah, that dreaded Hotmail account! One day, after a sudden pang eerily similar to the one you described here, I “selected all and deleted”. And believe it or not, I have never regretted it one bit or looked back ever since. I realized it was a cobweb in my head and all I needed was to stop myself from going back and pining or even thinking of something that shouldn’t have been.

  3. Thanks! I needed to hear this song today. (And now it’s Adele on a loop for me, for the rest of the day!)

    It’s amazing how with some people you can never get a neat and clean exit. How some relationships continue to haunt you, long after they’re over. Damn you, Bollywood, for never showing me those shades of gray!

    1. Often I stop and think how long its been since I got wistful or nostalgic about a certain relationship, and I feel chuffed at thinking that perhaps i finally *have* cut off and moved on. And then something as ridiculous as a song, or an email, or a random association has me right back where I started :S

  4. Very interesting post, reminded me of this::
    “That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”
    ― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

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