If there’s one thing I hate and despise, its hypocrisy. And the second thing in quick succession is the lies that goes with it. Nothing gives me instant hives as much as this does.
As much as I try and simplify my life and distill the unwanted shit, the last few weeks have thrown more than what I think is a fair share of both, my way. And that’s kind of why I’ve been kind of off the grid with the blog. I haven’t been myself. Events have pushed me into taking a step back, and slowing down a little. To watch what I say, who I say it to and to evaluate before I run with my heart on my sleeve. In effect going completely against the grain of the spontaneous person I am.
You see the trouble with me is precisely that. I’m out there, open. Sometimes over the top. Especially with people I feel a connection with. I can’t do the holding back. I can’t do the calculations. I can’t play the games. I can’t topple feelings. I can’t do the lies and manipulation. I go all out of my way, without realising so. If you need me, and I care for you, invariably, I’m there for you. Whether its for support, just to hang with, have fun, anything. I don’t think too much about it. Until now.
As much as I am like to believe I am keen in the way I understand people, I have a sixth sense about vibes and the like, my senses fail me completely when it comes to picking up on the fakers. And the trouble begins when you go all out for them. Because in the end when things do that funny thing of turning 180 degrees from where they started, you end up feeling like the sore loser left wondering what you did wrong. Its funny how everything you did right gets so easily forgotten. How sometimes, surprisingly, equations change and you get nudged out of the carefully maintained, superficial balance of things.
Which brings me back to point #1. The trouble with me: open and out there. And that, my friends, doesn’t mix with superficial, clandestine and fake. But I never realise it in time. I am often too far in to the thick web of this shit, when I wake up and smell it. And of course, its not nice. It’s happened before. And its happening again. I’ve lost friends, had bitter fall-outs and come out of it changed, several times before. And something tells me it can happen again.