No, it’s not time to settle yet

It seems that over-analyzing things is engrained in my DNA. Unless I have shredded every event down by every possible consequence, perspective and opinion within the entire gamut, I cannot rest in peace. That whole let-it-be thing? Could never do it very well, and don’t pretend I can now, either.

So this weird restlessness within that I’ve carried around with me for so long now, quite naturally has been psycho-analyzed, over-thought, disintegrated and dissected beyond recognition. So much so that I have gotten ahead of myself, jumped the gun, and reached a point that could very well be my near future. Also, I have forgotten where I started, but I have a feeling the restlessness has comfortably morphed into a nice stiff boredom. But this is probably no surprise to those who follow all the rubbish I spew here.

All I know is that for a while now I have had this feeling that my life is teetering on the threshold, but I’m not quite sure what’s on the other side. Like I’m slowly outgrowing the present and desperately in need of some freshness, which seems like it is across this imaginary wall between me and what lies ahead.

This what’s-next thought has been nagging me for days now. But don’t get me wrong. This is not another my-life-sucks rant, because let me be honest, my life doesn’t suck. Work is moving swimmingly along. Weekends are spent in a happy state of mind, doing all the things I love. Holidays are being planned for the near future. Apart from the inability to exercise, I don’t really have much to complain about. But (isn’t there always a but?) there’s this restlessness — I just can’t put a finger on it.

It’s like I want to be in this time and place, but with a few changes to suit my need. And that of course that would then be called a fairytale, and not life as most of us know it. And it got me thinking about how many times I’ve faced a similar restlessness. I’m the most easily dissatisfied and restless person I know. I’m thankful for what I have, but I also do not settle very easily. My life is a constant balancing act of fulfilling one need after another. When one thing is sorted, a restlessness of another kind bubbles beneath. But I’m really beginning to wonder if this is just endemic to our generation? Are we just so easily dissatisfied with things that we reach a point where nothing is really ever enough? Or are we just reveling in the sheer abundance of options we have before us, at any given point of time?

I think about my parents’ generation. Or my grandparents. Everyone was either a doctor, engineer or a teacher (or struggling musicians if you were my grandparents. But they’re a class apart so I’m conveniently not counting them) and life just went on with a singular focus. Not too many high and lows, just going on, doing the same thing for years on end, retiring one day and having that pension you can count on. Our lives couldn’t have been more different. We just have so many more choices, things to love, do, hop skip and flit through and our lives are a long chain of inconsistency. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. I know some people who measure happiness in the satisfaction of the growing paycheck. I know some others who are blissed out by dedicating their lives to their children. Some others find joy in doing multiple things, juggling and mastering them all with equal finesse. And then there’s people like me. We just cannot rest easy. The minute something gets comfortable and easy and habitual, I’m ready to move on to the next thing.

I think I’m back at that point. Yet, I have never felt this kind of angst, like I am now. It’s nothing like the shaky feet I had when I was hopping jobs. Or the uncertainty of finding the ground beneath, professionally. It’s nothing like the butterflies in my stomach before I decided to marry the husband. Nope, it doesn’t even feel like the speculation about moving cities. And even the unpredictable phase of unemployment feels tame in comparison. It feels nothing like anything I’ve felt before. I’m slightly scared because from where I’m looking at it, there are a lot of ifs and buts. I’m afraid to go all out and dream big. And this morning, Pinterest did that weird thing again. Where of the bazillion pins, it somehow throws up exactly what I need to see:

Weirdly though, this time its an emptiness that has come with a tough decision. And filling it, might take a compromise. I think.


21 thoughts on “No, it’s not time to settle yet

  1. Pingback: Year after year, time after time | hAAthi

  2. Pingback: Three cakes, a girl and her happy place « hAAthi

  3. I have very similar feelings all too often, haathi. And I think in my case it’s vagueness that I find it challenging to handle. Is what I’m doing right now what I was meant to do? Could I or should I have been doing something else right now? What’s in store for me, really? Is what I’m doing right now going to lead to me to that magical “thing” in store? And when? These questions plague me all the time. And since I have become very aware of this tendency of mine, I’ve been trying hard to focus on what I have right now and do it well. Time and experiences have told me that this is important – that what you learn now by doing the things at hand well has mysterious ways of coming in handy for the next thing you do, even if the two things don’t have any apparent connection. What I’m struggling with right now is this – putting my heart and soul into the tasks at hand, knowing very well that this is not where I’m “settle”ing. I imagine your situation is different from mine though, but your post triggered this series of thoughts in my head. This was a long comment, maybe I should have written my own blog post :D But thanks for provoking these thoughts and sharing your comment space to put them down :D Writing your thoughts to help!


    1. Yes you’ve hit the nail on the head. And i have been nodding furiously at everything you’ve said here because iv gone thru that same cycle of questions. The thing is though right now i have this gut feeling that my time is done doing what i am right now. Im ready to shift gears and change lanes. I just need to grow me some man balls and jump :)


      1. Do you know which lane you want to change to as your next step or is that work-in-progress too? Btw, the last line of my last comment was meant to be *do help and not *to help. Now I realize that that wouldn’t have been quite right either – I really meant to say “Writing your thoughts *does* help” :D Good luck with the balls :D


  4. Stanley C

    Did you just become my mouth and say everything i couldn’t conjure up words for??..nicely done write-up, anyway! The uneasiness is only goes to show that you have whatever it takes to do more(or better) than what you already do.


    1. Erm, no. Maybe what I’m looking for is time off to travel for a whole year. Or someone to gift me an oven and a lifetimes supply of ingredients to experiment with and write about. Or maybe even a bunch of writing assignments that I can take on in parallel. Just anything to get me out of the sameness of my daily routine. Most people who fill that void in life by having babies end up being horrible parents. Its the worst reason to procreate, me thinks. Sorry, touchy topic this one :)


      1. i SO agree with you! Having babies cos you’re bored is a terrible reason to have them!

        Regarding your post… it’s weird isn’t it… to want more when you’re happy. I guess that’s the nature of human beings.


  5. I really loved this write up. There is so much I could relate to. Settling down really is a myth and a totally misconstrued thought and idea. Glad to know the flow of thoughts and the hunger to go ahead with the passion is always an inspiring idea. :) .. Really nice :)


    1. Yeah, I wouldnt call it a myth. I just think different people have different ideas of settling down. And mine isn;t to just find that one thing and do it for all your life. For me settling is in finding comfort in doing many things and doing them all well, for all the joy they can give you. Thanks for dropping by and leaving me a comment!


  6. “The minute something gets comfortable and easy and habitual, I’m ready to move on to the next thing.” Oh god, you could be talking about me! This post…I SO get it.


    1. Ok, once again, thank God I’m not the only crazy restless person around here then :)
      What do you do when you hit this restlessness? And constantly have this itch to do something, and you know not how to scratch it..


    1. I cant say this inbetween is the best feeling heh! But the fact that I have options and I need to decide and take the plunge is exciting, yes. Lets hope something good comes of this :)


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