Decision making is never easy. Yes, I’ve said it many times before. Mostly speculatively, but today I’m talking about the difficulty of actually making a decision, and letting it sink in, in retrospect. That’s sometimes when you realise just how gut-wrenching it can actually be.
There are some decisions that happen peacefully, serendipitously. And others need prodding and pushing, till they read that soft spot where it becomes easy to swallow. There are other decisions still, that get made out of compulsion. You’re never quite sure if it will be the right thing to do. But somewhere at the back of your mind, you realise that you will never really know, until you give it a shot. And that’s the kind of decision that sort of settles in comfortably over time.
One way or the other, it’s hard. And harder still for me and my slightly overactive mind. The ifs and buts are currently playing a really close game of one-up-manship. At my expense. It’s hard to choose a side and stay with it. Because everything is just sort of up in the air. All I have is a distant vague goal, and some little part of me knows that what I’ve done will help me get there a little sooner. It might not be the easiest path to have chosen, but at least it is a path moving in the right direction. And if I can get there a few years earlier than I might have originally planned, hey that can’t be a bad thing right?
It’s on sea swept Sunday’s, post a prawn lunch, staring out the balcony door, watching the elusive rain clouds, that I realise how much I want this. And that is the moment when the decision settles in. When it fits like a perfectly snug glove. The kind you have always restlessly toyed with. Never given a chance to sit quietly with it. But today I realise how perfectly warm it is, and how in some senses, i should have done this a long time ago.
That kind of peaceful day. That kind of quiet day. Today.