To say the last week has been tough would be an understatement. It has been by far the hardest week of all my professional life. And harder still because through the twists and turns, while I was dodging a series of odd balls, and feeling the heat of time as it burned backwards shooting towards me, some very basic truths hit home. Facts that I have in part been oblivious to, and in part been in denial about.
This past week threw up a challenge. A work challenge, of course. But to me, it turned into a challenge with far bigger implications than the success of any campaign. Far closer to my heart than any work project will ever be. It was a litmus test of sorts, a real test of whether I can swim the waters when the going is tough. And the results have been mixed. I can’t say I was successful. Because very honestly, I have failed miserably. But like all failures, this one too has a precious lesson. What I can safely say is, I may not be exactly where I thought I was, but I now know how far behind I am from where someone with my years of work experience and exposure ought to be. I also know why. And for the first time in all my life, I am okay with it.
The past week has been tough. But it has given me something I haven’t experienced in a while. At least as far as work goes. Acceptance. Right when I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore and like I was going to have a breakdown, this sudden sense of acceptance, of my capabilities, my situation, the path ahead, of what can and cannot ever be, sort of swept over me out of the blue. There’s me. Then there’s what I can do. And then there’s what I want to do. And most importantly, what I want to fight to do. And that’s just the way it is. I’m okay with it.
I have stopped fighting it. Stopped putting myself up to an impossible test, with nothing to prove. And if all of this sounds incredibly circular and long-winded, here’s a simple way to understand it. I’ve found my feet on the ground at last. And I’m happy where I am.
A week of no home time, preceded by a hectic weekend, preceded by a hectic-half holiday-hungover week has left me utterly home sick. Yes, I mean my home here in Goa. You know you need to just sit in at home, doing nothing, when you find you’re home sick for your home, that is 10 minutes away from the office.
So that’s what I’m doing today. I have a ton of work backlog to get down to. I have a pile of work. A string of chores. But all I want to do is blog, sort my holiday pictures. Maybe bake a cake later. And just be home.
The husband is off to work. And I want nothing more than to just be left alone at home. And when I was, I did a 10 minute twirly dance all to myself in my living room, listening to Coke Studio (have you checked out the new episode on the Pakistan edition?! ZOMG, go do it now.) And then I ate a big bowl of chopped fruit and oiled my hair, and began to look through the few hundred pictures from my holiday, trying to figure how I’m going to write and share them all, and perfectly encapsulate my holiday.
This is what happens when you’re finally in the spot you want to be. You get so happy you don’t know what to do with yourself.
After what feels like forever, I’m home at last.