Okay, I have to take it back. Coming back form holiday, in retrospect, has sucked bollocks. Had I known I was coming back to this, (and I realise that what this is, is still unclear to most of you), I would have chosen to be left behind on the island. Because right now I don’t recognise anything around me. Not what’s going on, not what’s become of my routine, my home, my life, and most of all what its turning me into.
Exactly a month ago, I was on the threshold of one of the most refreshing weeks of the year. I was in Thailand, on my way from Bangkok to Phuket. In a double-decker bus.
Today I’m in the midst of what has felt like a month-long, never-ending work week. So despite a glimmer of hope here and there, the general feeling is still of being stuck, of being overburdened. And wanting all this to blow over really fast.
The effects of the holiday seem to have been undone faster than I imagined. And all I feel these days is tired and self-pitying. Both, which I hate. Also, until I can actually talk about aforementioned situation, I’ve decided to keep mum for a bit. Because I hate coming here and spewing negativity. I’m kind of tired of brooding over this. Over the crazy life, over the lack of time, over the nonexistent relaxation, over everything.
All I wanted was for the week to be over, so I could do nothing, go nowhere and meet nobody for the weekend. All I wanted was some time with myself. But that is not to be. Instead, I will be playing host to ten people who will descend on my home on Friday. Any other time, I’d have been happy, but in the face of everything that’s going on, I’m not ready for it.
So please pray that I muster the strength, enormous amounts of patience and wherewithal to get through this craziness, without losing it again. This morning, I had a meltdown. I went batshit crazy over a missing electricity bill.
And it scares me because I don’t know whats coming next.