I really loved you. And it is for no other reason, that I did everything I possibly could to make it work. I swear, I really did. But I think our time is done now.
After six long years, our fair share of ups and downs, challenges and triumphs, I think I finally see the light. You were a good, good friend. Someone I could rush to when things got tough in other aspects of my life. Someone that gave me a solid grounding, when everything else seemed like it was never going to last. Through all the other uncertainties, you were the one thing I could depend on. The one thing I could go back to day after day. Shutting off the chaos of the rest of my life. When I craved a challenge, you gave me plenty. When I needed something to pin my pursuit of self-worth on, you gave me little doses of success. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, you threw a string of wonderful people my way. All people who would later shape my life. How naive of me to assume that all of this was enough to keep me going for life. Naturally, I mistook that to be good enough to be the one I could spend the rest of my life with.
I knew the going was going to be tough, right from the start. I prepared myself for an uphill climb. Every time I faced the strife, I beat on, telling myself that victory would only be that much sweeter. Life led me away from you. Several times, I saw a fork in the road, one road that led me into an unexplored territory and one that led me back home to you. And each time I chose you. Coming back to the sense of comfort. To the familiarity. To the only thing I knew I could manage. To the thing I could do well. For the only thing that felt like it was right for me. For the sake of the only thing I know that will keep me going. The one thing I was trying to protect: the only access to indulge my creativity.
But after all that we’ve been through, when the cracks began to appear, I couldn’t handle it any longer. I wanted out before everything I had build before my eyes, this massive castle of approval, justification and reasoning, would one day come crashing down.
Today I see what you really are. I thought we were in it for the long haul. Right till the end. But today I realise you have been a mere means to that end. Just a preoccupation, that I mistook to be a passion. You have been my something-to-do, but what I’ve been looking for is that something-I-love. In you I invested huge amounts of time, energy and patience, but the satisfaction that came out of it, just wasn’t enough. That’s an imbalance I couldn’t ignore any longer.
You are a part of, but do not define, who I am. So I’ve decided to step back. To get off this bandwagon we’ve been on together for so long now. It must end here. Today, I’m choosing the road I’ve never bothered to travel. The one I should have taken a long, long time ago. I’m choosing the unfamiliar. And I’m choosing the new.
Perhaps this is where I should finally say goodbye. Thanks for the ride. I wouldn’t be where I am today, if it weren’t for you. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m moving onto bigger and better things.
Also perfectly picturised in this nifty drawing I’ve posted before.