Right so three days into 2013, and I feel like the sheen has worn off already. It lasted precisely 6.35 hours, if you ask me. Only until that initial flurry of text messages, calls and quick email exchanges of greetings and good luck. What with my non-celebratory NYE and a new years day that was as good as any other. We’ve moved on from excitement about the start of the new year to the next topic on the agenda. Reflection and resolutions.
Blogdom is packed to the brim with new years resolutions and I realise that I haven’t done my customary looking-back-over-my-shoulder post for 2012. Like I did last year and the year before that. I’m trying to re-trace the eventful, memorable things that have happened and my mind draws a blank. The months in between are a pale blur, and my mind seems to have drawn a curtain over it. As if I haven’t said it enough already, I’m going to say it again, 2012 wasn’t awesome. Nothing overly disastrous happened, but it wasn’t a shiny, happy year like every other one before that. I floated through most of it in a semi-comatose state, I think. Half-fighting the situations I was in, half-willing myself to just get through it. For the most of the first half of the year I was in a weird state of denial, which I only came out of more than 6 months into the year.
They say the mind blurs out unhappiness. And I know now, this is true. Its probably an instinctive coping mechanism. By dulling the reality and its effects, it coaxes you into believing things are not as bad as they might have seemed. And in some ways maybe this lulled me into a state of inaction, further delaying the act of getting out of the black-hole.
The happiest times that come back to me are when family and friends visited me. My parents came over, my sister visited several times, VC’s parents and extended family too came down on more than one occasion, friends visited us intermittently, dotting 2012 with bursts of camaraderie and short-lived happiness. The next most memorable thing that happened was probably our trip to Thailand. Food, frolic, and fun aside, it was a holiday of rekindled love and friendship with VC. And a reality check that happened while I was mid-sea-storm, thinking I wasn’t going to make it back alive. I did, of course, and my mind was only playing havoc like it always does. But the thoughts of dying without having done anything significant and close to my heart, stuck with me and I suddenly knew what I wanted to do.
I came back to Goa and did it. I quit my job and that, and the months that followed are somehow the only things I remember in crystal clear detail. The 9 months until September are a large wooly, unclear mass of weeks and months all blending into one another, but the of last 3 months of the year — I remember every single day.
So no, apart from that, I don’t have a diary of cheerful memories to chronicle the past year. All I have is what I experienced. A year of slowing down and listening to myself. Of shutting out the cacophony of the million voices that tell you what you should do and how things ought to be. A year of growing some balls and allaying my own fears — the very same fears I have now harboured for over five years. Of zoning out the buzzing voice of reason that I had carefully trained to shut away my own inner voice.
2012 was the year of being acutely tuned in to myself. Almost to the point of selfishness. 2012 was about accepting the truth. And realising that the truth I feared and cowered under, was actually quite liberating.
2012 was about a little more self-awareness. It meant that I had to stop pretending, stop fighting the moonlight, stop building castles in the air — and just accept who I really am. And for someone who has been chasing after it for so long now, I think it couldn’t have come at a better time. Because self-awareness means knowing who you really are, what gets your heart pounding, your eyes twinkling and your life force racing.
2012 was a step in the direction of my ultimate manzil. Because I realised that once you make my peace about who you really are, understanding what you’re all about, figuring out what you really need, where you want to be and how you’re going to get there is a breeze.
And as for the year ahead, I’m not going to make any lofty resolutions. All I want 2013 to be about is one thing.
Being strong. In every way possible.
2013 is going to be about strengthening myself. My relationships with my husband, my parents and family. My emotions, so I can accept things with ease and move ahead steadily. Strengthen my body, so I am fit, healthy and happy. And most of all strengthen my mind, so I can stay with the path I have chosen.
So I can build on the little step of self-awareness I made last year. So I live life as keenly as I can. And I hope that when the year ends, I won’t be looking back on another year of blurry nothingness, struggling to bring back a day/week/month worth remembering.