In which I kind of sort of figure out carpe diem

The one in which I sink in to unbelievable levels of domesticity (yes, even more than before, and more than I thought was possible) and love every minute of it

Are you the kind to person who permanently lives in a cloud filled to the seams with dreams of a possible future? Of endless possibilities all criss-crossing and fighting to come out on top? Of wanting to see through haze of all that is the present and look beyond, into the future so you can pinpoint just that one thing you really want to focus on?

I am. Or at least I thought I was. For a long time ago, I harboured this constant nagging feeling that things are not the way they should be I imagined they would be. Life was always be all kinds of awesome, on so many levels, yet something small, somewhere would fall just a little short. leaving me with thoughts of what if, and if only and why not?

When I joined college, it was a deeply disappointing three years. I mean who knew they don’t actually teach you, but merely dictate notes and prep you for exams?! When I graduated and started work, it was a constant time of discovery, of never really knowing where I was headed, or ever feeling sure of what I want. All my previous serious relationships, while fun and awesome in their own ways, had their own sets of question marks, needling little things that always kept me from settling in fully. And then I met the husband, and for once things slipped into that the-way-they-are-meant-to-be kind of comfort. The kind you never have to rethink or question or work your way around, and yet something was a amiss, but I could never quite tell what.

Through it all I’d promise myself it would all fall in place someday. Pegging all my hopes and dreams — for that perfect job, a perfect equilibrium of work and life, an amazing future packed with travel and discovery, a whole bunch of like-minded friends — on that one unnamed day in the unforeseeable future.

I guess that’s makes me the epitome of not living in the moment. Having permanently tuned my radar tuned into the future and the what-will-be. Donning rose-tinted glasses, as if to compensate for the palpable lack of that something in my present, I counted on the future.

But constantly viewing the world in a skewed shade of coral is tiring and disturbing. Many years of it, even until about six months ago, and I feel like I was done counting on the what ifs and the how abouts. And I don’t know where the switch was turned off, but today I find myself more at peace with where I am than I ever was. Which is funny, because for the first time in my life I don’t have a concrete answer to give when people ask me “So what do you do?”

I was foxed when the sweet girl who manages my investments came over the other day. We caught up after a long gap, and given my current state of erratic finances, she seemed concerned and asked why I haven’t found myself some sort of job, even if I were to do it from home. I didn’t know how to explain to her that I don’t want a job. That I am not looking to fill my time. That I don’t just sit around all day doing nothing.

The truth is I do a lot. But not all of it is tangible, or has a defined, well-rounded and acceptable term to call it by. The more I find myself wanting to stay home, the more I find I am growing comfortable in the things I have discovered I love. Cooking, writing, reading. That pretty much sums up what I spend my day doing. And right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Is this what I want to do for life? Or is this the beginning of something in the future?

Maybe? Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. And for once in my life, I’m okay with both either. For the first time ever I find myself not calculating the next move, or making plans. For once, I find myself enjoying the simplest, silliest things in an otherwise very mundane existence. And for once, I didn’t care if she (or anybody else for that matter) got it or not. I didn’t care to justify or quantify it in anyway.

All through my life I planned and dreamed about the future. And yet something was constantly stirring in me. This is probably the only time I have truly let go, and strangely enough, even without knowing what the future holds, I have this enormously calming feeling that this, right here, is where I want to be.

There are two kinds of women in the world. Those that were born to love domesticity. And those that discover it later in life. Very clearly, I belong to the latter kind. I feel like life has brought me full circle to where I probably belong, and it makes me wonder why I fought it all along. Why did I don those rose-tinted glasses? Why did I built so many castles in the air? Why did I depend so heavily on the future?

Is this what living in the moment is? I’m not sure as yet. But even as I ask myself these meandering questions and figure it out, I pack away those glasses. And this time, perhaps its for good.

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24 Replies to “In which I kind of sort of figure out carpe diem”

  1. Wow, I can connect with so much of what you say here! I am temporarily unemployed as well, and things haven’t “fallen in place” yet – people tell me there is no “perfect job”, but I’d like to believe there is, and I hope it shows up soooon :) But yes, living in the moment feels reeeally good :)

    1. Im sure it will, so dont think about it too hard :) Thats the new mantra. Except its not new. Its the good old live in the moment spiel, which for some reason I never listened to.
      In my case, Im not even looking for the next job. In fact Im pretty sure I dont want to be employed anymore..

      1. I am not looking for a job either, not until I am sure about what sort of area I want to work in. But I’ve always been a planner/worrier, so not having a “plan” scares me big time :)

        1. Oh yes, DITTO! On not wanting a job until I am sure what it is I want to do. The time away is helping me find avenues I had never considered before. The term “job” itself is so stifling..makes it feel like nothing other than sitting ata desk stomping computer keys is an acceptable way of being in a job..
          Also ditto on always being a planner and not having a plan being scary. Which is why this new found calm and no fear and no expectations about what-will-be is new to me. I am kind of at a loose end, wondering how this is actually feeling good for a change :P
          You have so many diverse interests, have such an eye for pretty things and are so good with aesthetics, I wont be surprised if few years from now I go over to your blog and discover you are a decorator of some sort!

          1. Thank youuuu you made my day! I agree with every word you wrote (No not about me, about jobs and planning! :P) I think you are totally meant to be a writer – a food columnist maybe? :)

            1. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe not :D Right now I really dont know. There is so much I want to do and am doing it little by little..Dont want to rush into something. There are and have been some opportunities, but I have tried to refrain form jumping headlong into any of them so far..Lets see..

    1. At the cost of sounding immodest I have to say, yes I feel lucky. And not a day passes by without thanking my stars (and the husband) for putting me in this place, where it was possible to take the decision.

      1. of course you don’t sound immodest! You *are* lucky!
        Not that I would choose to not work at ALL, I’d get too antsy. But I’d like to have the option of a fallback if things got messed up at work (like it is at the mo).

        1. No re, I have some work happening, but nothing full time or very time consuming. And I am not filling the rest of my day with “work” or looking for more freelance gigs, or a job.. Thats what I mean :) Although Id love to not have to do any work at all — but one needs to have enough to get by. That fallback, like you said.
          Kya hua at work? All that futile travel getting to you?

  2. ahhh you’re making me boil with jealousy =) i’ve known entire lfe that THAT is what i want. and i have lived ten years telling myself it wuold come, one day, in the future, for now i should buckle down and get along with marking time. this year i am going to accept that maybe it wont.
    but ill come and visit you *creepy internet stalker voice* in goa and live vicariously ;)

    1. Haha no need to live vicariously and all.. Come come, I can give you a peek into the real-deal :P We can cook together and drool over our own creations and gobble it all up and lie belly up in a deck chair and feel very content with the HERE and the NOW hahaha

  3. I have never understood when people have asked me if I get bored sitting home all day when I took a break from work last year. And my answer was no, I absolutely loved every single minute of it. I had just moved into a new place so I explored this part of the city, I spent time catching up on my reading, spending tonnes of time with my dog(which alone makes everything so worth it), cooking and generally loving the domestic side of me. Hopefully someday soon I’ll be back to doing just that so enjoy every second of this super time.

    1. How wonderful. Im glad there are many more who have had the experience. Its no wonder actully, its probably one of the simplest most natural responses, that we are so used to hiding away.

  4. Hmm…I wish I were as self-assured as you. I have not been working ever since my younger daughter was born, which was four years ago. Truth be told, I am also quite okay with my routine of cooking, reading and writing , which explains my not trying too hard to get back into a job, but somehow I am often plagued by a sense of whiling away my time/ not doing anything ‘productive’.

    1. You cant be serious! Second daughter is reason enough to stay home and give her all the attention the job deserves right? Especially if you can afford the luxury of indulging in parenting, without having to bring in a second income. I say more power to you. Perhaps the routine of cooking, reading, writing is not really a passion but a pass time? Maybe what you need is a passion to engage in. For me, the mundane routine itself has become a passion..

  5. Nice blog as usual….Your thoughts here resonate with me also…I guess everyone who is ambitious is always in search of that one day in future where everything will be picture perfect and where you will be truly happy. These thoughts above are very similar to what i keep thinking everytime ..expecting future to be perfect for me.

  6. I’m sure I don’t want a serious desk job right now. That said, I have yet to make peace with being a housewife of sorts (even though I do a lot more meaningful things at home than I did at my jobs). My friends will make fun of me now and then but whatever, they’re jealous. What puts a lot of pressure on me is that both my sisters are self-employed for the most part and have some talent they can sell. I’m lucky my husband still has faith in me and doesn’t mind if I stay at home. One day at a time…

    1. I think being sure that you dont want a desk job and that you do far more useful things now than you ever did in any if your jobs is awesome. I wish i had listened to that sense when it had dawned on me earlier. One day at a time is perfect. Thats what carpe diem is about anyway no?

      Besides dude you totally have a talent you can sell. Several actually, as far as i can see. You doodle and you write and your style is totally unique. All in its time. Im sure you’ll figure out your mode of self employment!

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