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Sometimes I’m peeved too

18 Mar

The Bride has been on a ranty-roll recently, and I was inspired. Especially because a lot of my people-related peeves have come to a fore in recent times. I don’t know if its because I am suddenly more acutely tuned in to it. Or maybe I’ve grown over-sensitive. But a lot of small actions, and inactions seem to annoy me these days. I’m usually rather tolerant door-mat-ish of people’s behaviour when it annoys me. Forgiving too, and sometimes choosing to be passive-aggressive, rather than confront shitty actions. Mostly because I think small things should really matter less, unless they affect my relationship with said person, or go against a personal ethic or value. Err, and also because I’m essentially a door-mat.

One thing that has started to drive me up the wall (in a passive-aggressive way, of course) is people’s inability to give me a straight forward No, when faced with a simple, inconsequential question. Hey, want to come over for dinner? Should we go watch that movie? Do you want to get this curry instead of that one? Do you know if you’ll be free to hang out tomorrow?

See? Simple questions. Perfectly suited for a simple yes or no answer. And yet 9 out of 10 times, I get the I’ll let you know response. But of course the letting know never happens. Actually, I can’t decide what is worse. Being told that I will be informed of a decision at a later stage and then getting a cold silence. Or getting that stony silence to begin with.

In fact I am so used to getting one of these two responses, that I now automatically take the I’ll let you know response as a no. I’m not a baby. I don’t need to be let down easy just because you cannot/do not want to hang out with me. But there is the minute possibility that I’m over-reading this. What do you think?

The other thing I seem to be at the receiving end a lot of the time is people choosing to talk to me online/or in real life, when they have a lack of people to reach out to. I have always been the Agony Aunt, and while I don’t grudge that alone, I find it hard to digest that people feel the need to hang out, chat on gtalk, call on me, or express the intent to hang out only when they have a personal crisis on hand. The minute crisis is averted, all attempts to meet, hang out, talk plainly are met with behaviour akin to peeve #1 above.

Conversely, what it does to me is leave me with very few options when I genuinely want to hang/talk/meet someone, without an agenda. Because when aforementioned peeps have no worries, are not bored, or have found themselves love interests, they seem to no longer want to do anything normal. You know, like just hang out.

And what do you do with those few I’m-so-wild-I-can’t-control-myself people you know, who use their wild ways as an excuse to hide from tempers they cannot rein in, shooting their mouths off in public, or taking advantage of a close friendship by saying whatever they please in the heat of the moment? As if that is not bad by itself, they are the kind who will come back groveling and apologise, blatantly blaming their uncontrollable ways, for their actions. This, I find hard to tolerate, and has been the reason for many a friendship being severed. To me, this is the equivalent of cheating on a partner and blaming it on being drunk and not thinking straight.

Hello, it’s your brain and your mouth. Surely only you can control what you say, think and do!

Then there’s a couple of peeves with communicating with people online. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how hard it is for people in 2013 to figure out the purpose of BCC. I mean, we’ve been using email for over a decade now. Surely, it can’t be that hard to figure out!

Of course its always some idiot who gets outed when he/she writes out an officious email, and then inadvertently directs a question to someone he/she BCC’d on the thread. And then promptly gets an answer, marked to all. Thereby negating the point of the BCC, to begin with.

Have you ever been serially pinged by someone when you’re in the midst of doing something really important? Like finishing a piece for submission. Or editing a blog post. Or having an important telephone conversation. And blinking non stop in your gmail window, like pixels on acid, is an impatient friend who seems to think that all you ever do is sit around online waiting to respond to him/her. That you must be ever-available and willing to respond. Not a minute too late. Between you and me, sometimes that behaviour makes me want to delay responding, even when I do finally have the time.

Some navel-gazing has taught me that I am as much to blame in some of these instance. For taking it. For not stopping and pointing out what it is that pisses me off. For not demanding some respect when people seem to be so clearly lacking it. Either ways, I find tiny deviations from what used to be the norm for polite behaviour, quite passe. It makes me wonder if I am being overly sensitive to it, and should let it slide (truly, without bearing any hard feelings). But another side of me thinks that one must stick by what one deems as good behaviour, politeness and basic manners, lest the whole world slide into one big horrible case of what The Bride calls the me-me-me disease. Maybe its time to bring back the good old do unto others as you would have them do to you logic.

All easier said than done. Easier to let fester in your mind than speak up. Because, Hello! I’m Ms Door Mat! How nice to meet you, you insolent mass of cytoplasm!

Yeah no, its not funny. It’s something I need to work on. So maybe being sensitive to what pisses me of and acknowledging it is step 1?

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47 Responses to “Sometimes I’m peeved too”

  1. Sanjana March 18, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

    I hear ya on the stony silence when asked something. When I make plans and ask someone if they’re in, they never say NO! It frustrates me NO END! Especially when I’m waiting for a response so I can make my own plans. But I see this happening not just to me, but to so many people. On groups like whatsapp, when someone chimes in with a plan, the people who are not up for it don’t even bother to respond!! I find that extremely rude and always respond with yes or no. But it’s become the norm now. *sigh*

    These new methods of communication meant to bring people closer is doing the opposite.

    • hAAthi March 18, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

      Okay, so its not just me.. So do you usually take the silence as a no, or do you ask again and express your disgust?

      • Sanjana March 18, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

        I’m doormat too. :P I take it as a no and move on with my life.

        • hAAthi March 18, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

          hehe, we’re so doomed #nohope

          • Sanjana March 18, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

            *sigh*

            I dunno… I’m sure I’ll reach the end of the my tether soon enough and just burst into flames. #steerclear

  2. Geetha March 18, 2013 at 8:06 pm #

    You’ve got step 1 right.
    Step 2 should read: Become a recluse. Like me.
    No, I am kidding. Sorry!

    With regard to the friends not keeping up their word, I think you should speak up — no bitterness, only firmness. Let them know when an opportune time comes up how their callous behaviour hurt you. Maybe this will help them mend their ways. Or maybe, this will leave you with a better sense of your self, sans one friend. In any case, this will stand you in good stead when you’re planning something next.

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 12:50 am #

      Hehe would you believe me if i said i an half recluse anyway? I can count my really good friends on one hand and most days i prefer my own company to interacting with other humans. Maybe thats just the problem!

  3. The Wild Child March 18, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    Dude, I’m *ahem* seeing a guy who ACTUALLY means he’ll let me know later (cos he doesn’t have all the details just yet) and I FLIP OUT on him. It’s happened twice. Already. In a very brief period. A couple times I just chose to wait it out and sure enough, he got back to me later. And it’s not just about doing stuff together, I’ve realized I’ve come to expect a LOT OF THINGS to mean passive-aggressive no’s. Having to unlearn all of that is so hard!!!

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 1:21 am #

      Hahaha yes, thats the flip-side of the story I suppose.
      And HELLOO, do you owe me an update email or what?! I like how you casually sneaked in the “seeing a guy” bit..

      • The Wild Child March 19, 2013 at 2:22 am #

        It’s nothing, actually….I’m just excited that I’m finally capable of taking an interest in guys again so I’m screaming from the rooftops! (He’d be very surprised to know I refer to it as “seeing” him.)

        • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 7:44 am #

          As opposed to?!
          And still haan! Email me with deets!

          • The Wild Child March 19, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

            As opposed to “hanging out” and pretending the flirtation is something normal people (“friends”) do all the time.

            And I will, I will!!!

            • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

              OOH thats the best kind #bestofbothworlds

  4. hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 12:59 am #

    True..

  5. Chandreyee March 19, 2013 at 1:01 am #

    Ladies, I’ll have to defend ‘I’ll get back to you’ as a perfectly acceptable answer as long as it’s acted upon. But if you have habitual non-responder and read it, accurately, as a ‘no’ – that’s not being doormat-tish! You’ve just learnt the fence-sitters’ jargon, that’s all. It escapes me of course, why it’s considered less polite to just regretfully-decline than not-respond-as-promised. Ignoring me when you said you’d reply is the surest way to lose my interest in you, that’s for sure. Your’e in a quandary R, that your’e the chosen Agony Aunt. I’d say pick a few freinds with whom you bond over an activity (like reading or baking) and when even they are only meeting you to dampen your shoulders remember…your oven is your best freind. Not to stick your head into out of despair, (and wait, that does’nt even work with electric ovens!) but to whip up a few more sugary yummies that will compensate for fickle gal pals and then some. ANd maybe you ought to become a worse listener and start sobbing out your own stories instead. Even it out a bit and failing that, scare off a few. No sob stories handy? I’ll lend you some of mine. :-) (Lovely post as usual)

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 1:17 am #

      But thats precisely the point! Most times the I’ll-let-you-know is not acted upon. Leaving me with no option but to read it as a no — just by sheer habit. And of course it IS less polite to leave someone hanging, in anticipation of a response, than just give a plain old no. I am after all only asking about making harmless plans..not demanding a pound of flesh or such like! When I am asked, I usually either respond, or if I genuinely must get back with a response later, it eats me up until I have actually done my bit by doing so.
      Would you believe this happens with the boys? Mostly Because I have 1 gal pal for every 5 boy pals. I have always been a boy pal kind..and theyre very disappointing of late! Also, having fewer friends doesnt bother me as much as having impolite friends does! And it bothers me even more than I cannot tell them off as often as I should, as one should with good friends!
      And yes, there is also that slight problem of not having enough sob stories, and thus not being able to reverse roles..boohoo

  6. The Bride March 19, 2013 at 8:09 am #

    With regards to “I’ll let you know”, in general, the non-committal-ness that has become fashionable in India (or at least was when I left six years ago) is very aggravating. It is a very teenage keep-all-cards-on-the-table-just-in-case-something-better-comes-up attitude that I do not have the patience for. I have simply dropped people of this kind even if it means I have very few friends.

    In general, I think “I’ll let you know” can be read as a “no”. I think there’s a cultural thing at play here where a direct “no” would be perceived as rude. In Chinese culture, it’s a complete no-no to say a direct no. Therefore, one has to read the tea leaves of polite utterances and figure out when a graceful exit is being made. Indian culture, I’ve noticed, is less averse to using “no” but just “no” rarely happens. One at least has a to make an excuse why one is not doing said thing, and sometimes “let you know” is the filler while one comes up with said excuse. I would think one would still have to follow up with the excuse, but maybe now there’s a growing acceptance of “let you know” as a stand-in for “no”? If people said “let you know” and didn’t follow-up even once, I’d just assume no is what they mean by the phrase and keep that in mind for the future. By contrast, Europeans just say no when they don’t want to do something and V seems to think everyone should be like this, but I still don’t feel comfortable with a direct no. I think some excuse needs to be fabricated, even if it is “I’m not really interested in that”.

    About the Agony Auntness, I actually like listening to people talk about their lives, but for people who are not close friends (i.e. those I can count on to reciprocate when I’m in need, or to hang out, etc.) I don’t feel obliged to be there for them unless it’s convenient to me. I actually find that some people work for me only online, so I myself wouldn’t be super keen if these people materialised in the real world.

    About the I’m-so-wild… people, totally in agreement with you. Once maybe is forgivable, serial offenders need to take responsibility for their crap.

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      I too have dropped people from my life when certain unpleasant traits and behaviour was repetedly doled out. I think it is uncalled for. Just as we take it for granted that we can be ourselves, no holds barred, with our closest friends, I also think they are the ones we must reserve our utmost caring/sensitivity for, no? After all, they are the ones we reach out to time and again, they are the ones we seek companionship with.

      With the I’ll-let-you-know syndrome thats fast becoming a norm, I find I’m not so hung up on being given an excuse, so much as a straight answer. Even if you sugarcoat a “no” because you’re feeling sorry/apologetic/bad for me, I’d still like to hear that, regardless of what your reasons may be. I think this is especially annoying because the situations I find this happening in are really minor, every day, inconsequential events. Things that I don’t need to be protected from. I find it childish actually that one needs to think long and hard before saying yes or no to simple Friday night plans, and even then sometimes fail to give someone an answer, leaving them hanging for the rest of the evening. My peeve is more with the inability to be frank.

      Hehe, I cant sat I like being the Agony Aunt, but I have noticed that people in general tend to gravitate towards me to pour their hearts out, or just to be heard. And while I don’t expect the favour to be returned by everyone, I stupidly believe that those who come forth to share their “secrets” are the ones I feel close enough to want to be friends with. But I have been disappointed many times, left feeling used at the end.

      Having few friends has never really bothered me, so I’m with you on severing friendships when people close to you do not behave or act in a way that you would with them.

  7. onehonestwriter March 19, 2013 at 9:08 am #

    I hear you, I am the person for my friends, family, cousins to reach out to when they are in trouble, have a decision to make or need to write an essay for upcoming college admission, or just crib abt their MIL or weight issues. Otherwise not efforts of reaching out to me are made.

    The same people used to listen to my sad tales or loud tears over phone during my bad phase, but now when I am relatively doing okay, have no measure issues for prolonged sadness or to crib about, they avoid calling me or give me some exclusive time. Earlier it used leave me really bothered but after a healthy discussion with TBH, and thinking abt it, may be my happiness, my being always positive, the life I am leading bothers them too.

    Like it was said in 3 idiots, dost ka fail bina bura lagta hai, par first aajana aur bhi bura lagta hai. Or something like tht, I believe it’s the same situation with me, with diff context.

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 9:35 am #

      I think our cases are similar, but not alike. Most of these peeves I have are with people who are not necessarily close to me to begin with. They are minor irritations with generally dealing with people. And what I expect in return for my time and attention in being a friend to them, is just basic human emotion. Which is to have enough respect to answer a question and not leave me hanging, hang out with me when I need it much like I did when they needed it, and not use me as a doormat :P Its this behaviour of convenience that gets to me..

  8. R March 19, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    In all honesty, I’ve been on the ‘I will let you know’ side a couple of times. Your post got me wondering why and the Bride’s response is perhaps closest to what I felt. Both times, I didn’t know the person well enough to say no (and not have them take offence).
    As for the third category of wild tempered people, I don’t get the reverse psychology of ‘Oh God, I can’t rein in my temper’. I used to be that girl with a bad temper until someone pointed out how much harm it causes, esp to people close to you. Now, I think of my ability to rein in my temper as yet another step towards growing up. And left me with zero tolerance for others with a similar issue :p
    My fourth category of pet peeves, is the new brand of ‘friends’ brought on by FB. These people were acquaintances/ past friends, but thanks to our various social networking avenues, these ‘friendships’ have led to many, easily avoidable stilted conversations that never go anywhere, but you indulge in, all the same. ‘Oh, but you never call/ mail me’/ ‘Oh, we must meet’ – this is my equivalent of Page 3 air- kissing and it bugs me no end (especially when the last time I mailed/ called/ chatted with said person was ten years ago!).

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 9:48 am #

      I think I see yours and the Bride’s point in not being able to give a definitive no to people you don’t know too well, because you’re not sure how they will take it. And maybe, now that I think about it, I have done that in such situations. But I am talking about people in my daily life here, people I meet on a weekly basis. People with whom I have a fairly good relationship, on most days. People I hang out with on weekends.. People who I don’t shy away from saying things like: no, Im tired and don’t feel stepping out tonight. Or no, I’m not keen on watching that movie. Or no, I’m just feeling unsocial and don’t want to go out.

      The third category was added after our conversation yesterday :P and that is probably my biggest peeve of them all. I think being irresponsible with your words and emotions is the worst kind of irresponsibility. And if we do not learn to manage these things as we grow older, where is the hope for any other personal growth?

      Hehehe, this fb peeve is an old one no?! Bugging as it maybe, I would say i.g.n.o.r.e such people because it is just empty conversation. Like you said air-kissing. It doesn’t mean anything and in all likelihood you wont meet/encounter these people in real life anyway..

  9. Mincat March 19, 2013 at 10:09 am #

    that’s why you have a blog no? RANT IT OUUUUT! hee.
    but yes i get your doormat-ness problem. i have newly found strength to just shut door and ignore. no matter HOW much i like you, if i invite you once you say you’ll come and don’t turn up, that’s it the door is closed. simple. even if i’ve known you forever. it’s scary as fuck but man liberating =) and your life is filled with people who respond. and even if it doesn’t happen immediately, you’ll have the space for the right people when they DO turn up.
    or so im telling myself fervently…
    re the constant crisis people i have actually reached point where i say hey im sorry i dont have the resources to deal with your shit right now, talk t someone else.

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 10:12 am #

      See, I have so much to learn. This shutting door business, whether to people who dont respond like adults (which is not to say everyone must ALWAYS be available — its just that I like to be given honest answers), or to those who want constant shrinking, I need to learn!

      • mincat March 19, 2013 at 11:23 am #

        just do it. like i said scary as hell! bride held hand through initial stags with many losers. but now i am bog girl and i am able to do it. i think it also secretly improves your own self worth. you’re like yeah? yo don’t want to see me? well your loss. and you actually mean it. especially if you dont actually er say it to them. hee. i think the problem is when you do it in a way where you want them to KNOW which kinda defeats purpose. i am currently implementing on boytoy.

        • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 11:28 am #

          I think those things a lot.. but clearly not in a no-strings-attached way, because I don’t feel as liberated, as much of the time. I still feel fucking used sometimes. And this has been recurring story with me all through life. Especially with some of my ex BFFs. Also, almost all of them were men. Thankless fucking men.
          Okay, this is getting me all aggro now. I should start shutting the door. Pronto.

          • MinCat March 19, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

            no no boys are stupid traitors. most of the time. throw rocks at them =) though there have been enough treacherous women in my life too. but guys have a very specific way of using and disappearing. i have good friend or so i thought cos we were so close but it was only cos relationship was in rouble and then gone and now there is new relationship i never hear from him. and it looks very much like a repeat is being enacted in my life as we speak. i dont know what to DO only about these types.

            • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

              Sounds only too familiar. Also i have had the type that i was super close to but he would get jealous when i went away to lead a life. As in have meals, go out by myself, talk to husband. And then he would throw silent treatment my way. Pahahaha. Weirdos.

  10. crunch March 19, 2013 at 10:42 am #

    Unbelievable! That’s the first word that came to mind when I saw your post. I didn’t realize I’d find such a kindred spirit somewhere in the blogosphere!! I should have known better. I’ve spent the last 3 years of my life in California practically having created enough material for a thesis on this topic with my best friend. We always ended Friday night discussions with “this is hopeless, it’s us. We’re the weirdos!” I must send this link to her. I really do think this is an Indian thing. (Apologies for the cliche!) This inability to say No, this ‘I’d rather not offend this person should I need them for a rant tomorrow, so maybe just dodge than confront’ .. I’ve been struggling with these with only Indian coworkers and Indian acquaintances that never turned friends (both in California and here in Bangalore since I’ve moved these past 6 weeks).

    Here let me offer up the longest comment I have on a blog :) I have encountered and characterized folks into 3 types (another gross generalization but based on my sample size!) Jetty buddies: you grew up with them. You can say No, you can say yes, you know each other’s issues and you guys just hang out together all the time. Very clicky group. Don’t let anyone else in easily. You’re never getting in! The Party animals: if you party like a mad mad woman, drink like a fish and are always ready to grab your bag and leave – you get in no matter what. The mamis & neo mamis: refer gounderbrownie at http://mediumboss.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/the-neo-maami/ that so badly want to be your friend. They’ll just live on your miseries, your joys and everything else in between. Your life is such a wonderful target for all the judgements that can be passed. Life is so exciting. My best friend and I are yet to find another fellow Indian that is open to just simple conversations, ability to think before they spew crap out … has the ability to think .. just think and analyze things meaningfully for themselves … all prerequisites for just simply shutting up & hanging out. Just hanging out.

    But you’re onto something here haathi! You really are. You’ve made it to meet MM and other fellow bloggers that are clearly thinkers. Maybe you’re onto something here. Maybe you’re one of the few that’s discovered something that the rest of us haven’t. I must send this post to my BFF. We now remotely bitch and moan about this on Fridays, not the same but something to hold onto having moved away. :) Loved your post!

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 10:48 am #

      Hahaha, that is A LOT of food for thought. I think I am past those categories of friends. I now have just two (each very smaallll) sets: those I am truly madly deeply in love with, BFF variety, with whom I can talk about anything, at any time and always depend on. And those who are close friends, whose company I enjoy, who I can be mad and crazy with, but who I wont necessarily share my deepest darkest secrets with. These irritations occur mostly with the second group.

      • crunch March 19, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

        :) yes getting past them is kind of a late 20s thing I think. We eventually do but I think I ended up weeding out the second types you mention as well in the process of hiding from the 3 types! I’m in the process of rediscovering this in Bangalore and not doing so great with embracing them and the peeves u mention above! :)

        • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

          Oh but you just moved.. and with a move like that its only natural to take time to make the right kind of friends! Give yourself a break, Im sure you’ll find some normal, sane, perfect-to-hang-out-with people soon enough.

          • crunch March 19, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

            :) I hope too

  11. ritz March 19, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    your post and then the comments- and I know I am not the only one who loses it with “I’ll let you know” :p I do it too at times but I revert at the earliest possible as soon as I know what my plans are because many a times M has made plans I have no clue about and I need to check with him…but the hemming and hawing is very irritating. It’s no rocket science- either you can make it or you cant. I’m ok with not answering immediately but getting back at the earliest- but GET BACK- dont fall asleep. Of course, getting taken for granted is another story altogether. A close friend and her husband spent almost all their waking hours on weekends at our place and then forgot to wish M on his birthday ( which was Valentines day and couldn’t be forgotten by any moron if you spent that kind of time with us). Their excuse- it was not on fb and they didnt get an alert!!!Iv just been so pissed about it that while I still meet them, I haven’t been the same since. Its just insensitive and selfish…

    • hAAthi March 19, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

      Im not big on having people remember my bday but maybe this is a new low for good friends. But this is just what i mean — what do you do when you have offered your time effort energy and affection for a friend and you dont get even an iota of it back? I know friendships are supposed to be selfless and about mot keeping count. But evidently there seem to be many instances where people are peeves because their actions are not reciprocated.

  12. Meera March 20, 2013 at 9:56 am #

    You, a doormat. I find that hard to believe but, of course, I know you only by way of the blog… so my read may have been completely inaccurate. I am guilty of yelling my head off when upset and not minding my manners. Fortunately for me, the people I do it with are perfectly capable of yelling louder than me and calling me on my bulls&*t right away…. Thank God for such good folks!! The people not contacting you unless they need you for something – some in my family are guilty of that. I need someone to tell me that it’s okay to dump them and not care about the drama in their lives.

  13. niyatiupadhya March 20, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    “feeling kinda peevu”

    • hAAthi March 20, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

      Beahahaha ya da. Too much peevu. Feeling kinda all-by-my-lonesome muhuahaha

  14. The Gypsy Girl March 21, 2013 at 6:06 am #

    So as I was reading this, in my head, there’s a young woman saying all of this that you’ve written, starting out slowly and calmly, but as she gets into the rant, she starts speaking faster and getting more and more agitated. Heh…it was fun. Also, it means your writing has a great voice! ;-)

    When I young, my dad always responded to requests/demands with ‘Let’s see’. This was his way of avoiding saying a no which would result in tears, tantrums and meltdowns. And despite training me for years, I still don’t take anything but a no for a no – call me an optimist or call me naive or just call me dumb. That said and done, these days, I often tell people – tell me yes or no. Now. And I can be incredibly stubborn and bull-headed so I usually force an answer out. Or more often, I tell people, ‘we’re going there at 5. Come over if you want’ or equivalent – and then I am pleasantly surprised if they do come and completely forget if I can even called them if they don’t come. It’s a good place to be in, though I have no clue how I reached here.

    I used to be the Queen of Doormats – the Empress even. People who are very close to me are very surprised by this but its just that with people I love and care about and who I know reciprocate, I guess I take them for granted to an extent and bully them a bit and mostly show my true colours. But with relative strangers and acquaintances and even friends who aren’t very close, I want them to like me and all that so I am very non-confrontational and let people walk all over me and then run to my friends/husband and cry and whine about that behaviour. And then, I did the same even with friends who were once close but who were drifting away despite my efforts – fretted about it instead of sitting down and telling them honestly how hurtful their behaviour was and how betrayed I felt.

    Anyway. After a couple of particularly traumatic experiences in which I gave some stellar performances as The Doormat, I realised I needed to get my act together. Since then, I have consciously made an effort to be more assertive without being aggressive, and to cut out the toxic elements from my life and from inside my head. Both professionally and personally. It’s been a long and rather hard journey achieving that, and I still have a way to go, but I am in a much better place now and feel much more confident about my ability to deal with people in such situations.

    *Note to self: Next time, just write your own post instead of hogging the comment space, you fool!*

    • hAAthi March 21, 2013 at 11:34 am #

      “Voice” eh?! Is that your way of saying this was one mighty big rant!

      And please dont stop with the long comments. I find that most often the posts I least expect for anyone to have anything to say about are the ones that generate so much healthy discussion.

  15. arundati March 21, 2013 at 11:30 am #

    . my gosh.. this post was asking to be written… and so well written at that…. i have been accused of being too accessible to people who need a shoulder to cry on, neutral person to rant to, sometimes even pick up the tabs at restaurants (yes! i am that person) … i have tried to rid myself of people like this… that leaves me with a (very) small pool of friends, sometimes they are genuinely busy and have no time to hang out for long periods….sometimes i get bored of the same company… and because i am self employed, i feel i might lose my social skills… sigh!

    • hAAthi March 21, 2013 at 11:33 am #

      Not to gloat in your sadness but this making me very happy — knowing that there are others with the same meddlesome issues in their lives. Sometimes i think im too old to be wondering about friends and which ones are truer than true and which ones are just in it for the ride (and a few free meals, heh!) but i guess one is never too old to want some genuine, good old company.

  16. Anita March 21, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

    Referencing all the interesting discussions in your comments, Methinks the theory of Indians can’t say ‘no’ to a persons face is bang on. Equally I think the reason a direct ‘no’ is not given because the other party will then set out to ‘persuade’ you to ‘change your mind’. Most ppl seem to take it as a personal affront if u said ‘no’! Which of course is no excuse to not grow up and have adult conversations.

    • hAAthi March 21, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

      Yeah im beginning to buy into the “its an indian thing” idea too. We seem to be essentially a bit spineless in such trivial matters. And unfortunately it makes us slightly immature half-grown adults.

  17. the mad momma April 8, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

    I often say I’ll let you know, and then I do let them know. I have to handle 4 schedules and the kids’ social life is crazy. I have it marked on a calendar on my desk (I know, I’m a dinosaur and it should be on my phone, but that’s me) and so I have to go home and check. But I do always get back.

    I also have to say that most Indians can’t take no for an answer – they will keep persuading. If I say I’m not able to drop my kid for a bday party, I have 5 options flung at me – Shall I pick her up? What about if she goes back home with the bday kid? Why don’t you change your plan? My kid will be so upset.

    Oh, God, let it go, will ya. She won’t die if she doesn’t make it to a party and neither will yours. Uff. Rant over.

    • hAAthi April 8, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

      You’re right. We’re as bad at taking a no, as we are at saying no, it seems..I get it, but I don’t think it makes it right, somehow.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Day 14: People puzzles | hAAthi Time - January 14, 2016

    […] to be unable to own up and follow through on commitments they make? I’ve written about it three years ago. Newsflash: people still do it! Apparently grow older doesn’t help some folks grow the […]

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