Just when I felt like things were finally moving, I find myself tired from not doing much, still wilting in the heat and wondering what magic potion I can take to get me going again. Even though I’m plodding along, trying hard to stick with my plan and ticking of little steps along the way, I long for someone to take over and just direct me, so I can do as I’m told.
As much as I like my time alone and the space and liberty it gives me to plan and work around things the way I want to, I have realised this works best when I am doing self-motivated, personal projects. When it comes to doing something that I need to put out there, I am horribly un-self-managed. I am and always have been a soldier, rather than a leader. So recently, I’ve wished that I belonged to a team of worker ants. Or even just having that one other work partner, who is as enthusiastic as me. I would probably get things done much faster, without feeling the energy flailing.
I do well when directed. And going on this way sometimes makes me feel a bit frustrated. Especially when the going is slow, which it is, because so much depends on me and my energy to get things done. Which would be great if I had nothing else to do but power through my life like it were a list of to-dos. But on the flip side of the to-dos, is life. And all the things I like to pack into it.
You see this stay-at-home-and-wear-many-different-hats business is (believe it or not!) sometimes tiring. When you’re one person trying to juggle keeping a home, cooking two healthy meals a day, handling three different projects at any given point of time (the third one being a personal project that seems to always get shoved on to the back burner), also trying to squeeze in time to work out, read, spend time with the husband, meet friends and like that wasn’t enough go and resurrect your facebook page (still unsure about this move, more on that soon) too, things tend to, er how shall I put it — stretch a bit.
It has a lot to do with my innate need to do many things all at once. I recently found myself explaining to some friends, that even though I am at home all day, for many days, and while I do revel in the occasional day where I allow myself the luxury of doing nothing at all, I am mostly packed to the brim with activity. Rarely does a moment go by empty, bored, uninterested. My head is bursting with ideas for things to go myself, for the home, the kitchen, the blog, I can barely keep up. My to-do lists (yes, there are multiple ones in multiple locations) are running on faster than I can keep up with them. Between meeting my work deadlines, making time manage both blogs over-enthusiastically, cooking, planning more cooking, having people over, socialising, trying to keep the reading and writing going, and I feel exhausted.
So this is the worker ant me, trying to do it all. Some times failing, reminding myself, sometimes unsuccessfully, that I have to prioritise and settle for what I can get. That I have to make my peace with fewer, small victories. Especially because earlier this year I consciously decided to pare down my life, down to the things I most wanted to do. Somewhere I have let my ambitious dreams take over.
It’s time to spring clean my head a bit, realign priorities, not get sucked into internet-hyped marketing crap, and remind myself that this sabbatical has and always should be about simplicity. About staying true and letting things happen in their own time. About staying active, but not letting the pace of things tire me out. About staying honest to my intentions and letting the rest happen if it must. About doing one thing at a time, but doing it well.
So its good that yesterdays mindles internet meandering lead me to another very epiphanic discovery. Allow me to share with you, exhibit A:
I am usually torn between feeling stupid for having such unimaginatively simple, cheesy, Pinteresyt-packaged words get me to sit up and take notice; and feeling obviously stirred up and grateful that the jolt, simple as it may be, came at the right time.
Now is as good a time as any to be reminded that I need to do what I can do best, with what I have. While hopes and plans and dreams are good, I need to re-hash what I have on hand so I can do it well, treading one careful step at a time, rather than taking over-ambitious strides that actually lead me nowhere. This is where I need to focus on. Because there’s really no better way to enjoy the here and the now, than to be in the here and the now.