Five down

My idiot husband,

Five years. Half a decade. A fourth of a quarter century. Whichever way I try and look at it, it feels like an enormous amount of time. To think I thought four years felt long, and old and like we’ve done this for far too long. And yet there are some things that make it feel like we only got married just the other day. Five years ago on this very day, I was delirious with excitement, but trying hard to contain myself. People told me I needed to smile, but look shy and coy, not like I was excited and happy to be leaving an old life and entering a new one. But why not, I asked. Why can’t I be happy? I had chosen the man I wanted to marry and we were about to embark on a new trip together. And what a trip it has been.

Five years ago, on this day people asked me if I knew what was in store for me. I giggled and said I didn’t. Who does? And I quickly chased it up with a, “whatever it is, I’ll be okay because VC will be around with me.” That was my naivety talking, of course. It was easy, to flippantly say we’ll be together every moment, every step of the way. But the truth is the months and weeks that have rolled by only peel away the rose tinted glasses, exposing the real people that you are I are. When we have realised that at the core, we are a different as different can be. Those are the moments when I look at the person that you are and wonder what made me think we’d be in-sync, see eye-to-eye and take every step together, for the rest of our lives. How utterly foolish of me to assume that people remain the same, that relationships are smooth sailing and that nothing ever changes.

But nothing fun ever came from relationships built on sameness. It’s true, nothing stays the same. And yet, in the face of every difficult decision, bearing varying opinions, our wildly differing views, we manage to come out on the same page on the big things that count. We’re like chalk and cheese. And yet, we pair so damn well. And I am thankful for it every single day.

Even when I’m nagging you about working less and living some more, begging you to eat some dal, wishing you’d learn to party a little harder, wanting you to quit those damn vices for good, I know deep down that there isn’t all that much I’d really change about you. Because the differences pale in comparison with the things we can do together. And the past year has shown me that. It’s been a year of many more disagreements, but a lot less heated, loud arguments. A year of letting each other go just a bit to discover our individual selves, yet holding on just so we know we’re always around for each other. It’s been a year of quiet contemplation, but loud resounding affirmation about the decisions we have taken and the path we have chosen to steer our life down.

They say the true test of a decision is how many times you are made to question it. By that logic, you and I have been tested a fair bit. Several times we have found ourselves at that point where we wonder if this was the right thing to do. Where the white-hot fury of an arguement makes glaring differences stand out. Where you want nothing more than to sever a tie and take a break. Where you want so bad to erase a few moments in the past just so you can smoothen out the present. And yet, each time I am at that point with you, affirmation sinks in fast and hard. Sometimes slinking in silently, sometimes crash-landing in front of me with a thud and a bang. Sometimes with a silent, wry smile. And I have always taken that as the biggest sign of how right it was for me. And maybe, for you too.

So when people ask me why I decided to marry “so early” (and they still do!) I only have one reason to give. Which is that I fell head over heels, truly madly in love with a man I could see myself spending my whole life, and nurturing a home with. So why does it matter if it happened at 18, 24, 29 or 32? And how does it matter if this is year 5, or 10, or 15?

It’s just another year. But for me its been a a big year. The year I learned perspective. Thanks to you. Without that, I wouldn’t have been able to choose the right things. Or see the big picture. Or chase my small dreams. Or let go of that international holiday. Or choose a smaller home so we could bring the quiet back into our lives. Or dare to get into business so we can test our passions a bit. It’s just another year. But in my mind it will always be the year that changed everything.

Most people, five years into marriage have so much to show for it. A second car, a few babies, a home they own, a business they’ve put their money into. All the things that make up a functioning unit that is a family, which they say is ultimately the reason why people choose to get married. We have none of that. What we do have is a lot of togetherness. The kind I feel even across distances. When you’re travelling on work and I lie alone in bed, thinking about the shadows just outside the window. We have a lot of happy times. The kind that leave us exhausted from laughing hard. From being foolish and silly and acting 16. We have a lot of compassion and consideration. The kind that lets me know that I can chuck a paying job and sit at home to bake cakes and largely flit about life doing what I want, because you made it possible for me to.

So when the sun goes down and I look back on these years, I might not see the large home, the extra flat, the bigass car, the potloads of money in the bank. But I’ll still feel rich. Like I do now. Because I know that we chose well. We chose the single salary over the EMIs. We chose the rented smaller home, over the proposed house. We chose to fumble through the baking business over a secure, safe job. It’s been a year of perspective. It’s been a year of choosing well. And I hope this sets the tone for many, many years to come. May we always continue to make the choices that are best for us, regardless of what the world and their aunty seems to want us to do. May we continue to do the things we believe in most, peacefully, happily and wholly. May we always remember that in most situations, you only get to choose once, and so we must make that one chance count.

Just like we did five whole years ago.

And because I’m feeling particularly corny with love, this one’s for you:

All my love, and then some,
Rere

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44 Replies to “Five down”

  1. Awww, beautifully written….but then isn’t every post like that? Wishing you and vc more of everything….laughter, fun, togetherness across a crowded room, quiet time, baking and more coriander shrimps….eff everything else that the world thinks you need as symbols of having arrived…. Mashallah wishing you a lifetime of togetherness.

  2. whattay lovely post Rev…congratulations and wishes for many more such years to come…marriage is a fun ride and it makes me happy to see people who enjoy the ride for what it is, rather than crib about what is not…lots of love and big hugs

    1. It *is* a fun ride. Even though these days I find myself telling younger folks not to rush, because one can pretty much do everything (read: kids, home, family, business, moving “up” in life yadayada) one wants to do even without it (all things previously associated with marriage), I do think it is one of the best things that happened to me :) so I always feel lucky that it happened sooner than later!

  3. Many Congratulations Revathy!! I wish you both many, many wonderful years of togetherness. On an aside, I believe life is more interesting when you are married to someone completely different from yourself. It gives you new things to discover even years after being and staying married. Here’s to more such discoveries.

  4. Happy 5th Anniversary!
    I was married really young and I remember how it felt. I like that we were so naive and the rose tinted glasses are actually a blessing!
    You said it best with the single salary over the EMIs, feeling rich is more to do with good times than the bank account.
    Wishing you many more Awesome years together!

    1. I think that literally and figuratively sums it up for me. I find that we’re constantly weighing out the pros and cons of every decision, trying to be rational and figuring out the “right”-adult thing to do, but in 8 our of 10 situations we end up choosing the option that gives us less in hand, but way more to remember and and look back on.

  5. The thing with being connected on chat and whatsapp (and reading blog posts on the phone where typing comments is a pain) is that so often, I end up not commenting on the blog posts. But this post here, I had to leave a comment! Here’s hoping these 5 years were just the kickstart to many, many more fabulous years to come.Much love. (Change off display pic and pliss to show off the new hair ishtyle)

    1. Dude, your comments are missed here :( seriously. For your usually more-insightful-than-usual perspective, for picking up on things nobody else does, for getting the inside jokes, and for just understanding the nuances I dont always explain in words.. You are now on the last on that list of top5 commenters..and lots of stupids have overtaken you :( MUST TO CHANGE THAT!

      And display pichaar should be changed, you think? Okay let me do that.

      1. Hehe. Honestly it doesn’t feel any different from our “in a relationship days”. I feel bad at times, but then we’d been together for 8 years before we got married, so I’m guessing we pretty much have nothing new to discover. I think I’ll see it differently when we are “five down” :)

        And who can deny the precious feeling of sharing a house with your best friend, confidant, lover, psychologist…all rolled into one. :)

  6. Sigh! can I say sigh! again…what a lovely lovely lovely post! Wishing you and VC many many more years of togetherness, chasing your passions and arguements with less intensities :):)

  7. I loved this write up. It is true for many relationships. What I liked the most was the getting- to- choose- only -once bit. There is of course a sense of consonance one may feel throuh all your bickerings.

    congratulations! :-)

  8. congrats dear to both of you <3 its so important to have the love and support more than designer bags and car, atleast thats how my boyfriend and I feel and I am glad we are not the only one choosing simple happiness over fancy lifestyle. I am not sure when marriage is for me but as long as we are happy with each other – thats all it matters and hearing that from someone who is married, it feels great and that its totally normal. Sending you loads of hugs.

  9. Even though I do not know you, I know what it means to be on a rollercoaster for four years.

    Normal and fighting fit,
    Naggingly happy, and clumsily married
    to my better, questionable, cuddly, wit
    Seems impossible to reason about,
    Too scandalous, to be legit.

    Well written and, congratulations.

  10. That was beautiful. An ode to both your marriage and your writing skills :-) Congratulations. You have a lot to show for 5 years and most of it is unique. There’s many a time I question myself on what milestones we have hit (we are close to the 10 years mark, 1.5 years to go) and sometimes I envy myself (is that cool?!) and at other times I want to weep with frustration. But at the end of the day I wouldn’t exchange any of it and that’s what matters right?
    So go making those unique (and inspiring)decisions and sharing all the fun here as well. *big hug*

    1. Oh i think on an every day basis we all have our fair share of looking bak and wanting to weep with frustration but its on milestones like this that you look back with a sense of perspective and are able to see that you win some and you lose some but as long as youre happy in the end its really all that matters.

      The husband and i consciously chose to live our life free from regret and continue to make the littlest choices based on that. It is painful for people around us some times and that can be frustrating and annoying but you cant please every one right?

  11. Congratulations from a very late congratulator…or something. 5 years, which means we both married around the same age so hopefully this is me in the future. Idiots are idiotic but where would we be without them? (Rhetorical questions but some days I feel like I have the perfect answer..)

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