There was a time not so long ago, when I was in that smug, awesome zone of having so much happening in life, my head was constantly buzzing and my heart was so filled with joy and life that at time I really felt like it might explode. Then July rolled along and something has changed. Now I just feel like someone needs to swoop in to my life, from time to time, and take over various parts of it, so I can sit back and do nothing for a bit.
When Project Sabbatical began, I had so much free time to fill exactly as I pleased. So I went about adding and subtracting all that I wanted to do or not do, as it suited me. I drenched myself in baking and writing — both things that I desperately wanted to drench myself in but never quite felt I had enough time to spare. I fell back in love with reading, and clung to it like an old lover, reclaiming an old, long-lust relationship. I threw myself into a strict fitness regime, and since it was on my terms, I took time off when I pleased. I grabbed at opportunities to do things that had so far hung around at the fringes of time, tantalising me and making me wish I could indulge. In between all that I also tossed in wifely duties like cooking hot meals and delivering lunch to the hugsband. I socialised like a maniac, seeing as how drinking buddies were more freely available. I ate, I drank, I listened to a ton of music, I danced, and some times I took long and luxurious naps too. At the end of all that I still had so much time to spare. It made me incredibly happy, fulfilled and I can’t lie — it was wonderful to be in that zen place where time danced to my tunes.
But things have changed in the second half of this year. Ever since the move and settling the home and figuring out a new routine, falling into it, sticking with it, I have struggled with my time. The irony is, I am still doing all those same things, but I cannot escape this feeling that for the last four months or so, I have just been running. Non stop.
Technically, I am still doing all those same things, it shouldn’t matter. I’m working as hard, cooking as much, blogging a little again, baking a little more than usual, working out hard, reading — albeit not as much, we have fallen a little out of love again — and some times clinching a nap here and there too! So, things are the same, but some how they’re just not the same.
There is this background clutter that is making it hard to think straight. A chaos I am not able to put a finger on, figure out and work around. It feels like there is always something to be done, and any time spent just sitting around claws at me like a colossal waste. It’s part of the reason why the reading habit has been pushed on to the back burner. It pains me, but in the interest of time I am constantly juggling things three ways — very important, less important but must be done, can wait till later. Work and home tends to occupy the first two, and everything that falls into the last category tends to be ignored for large amounts of time, until a pocket opens up randomly. But that is hardly the way to go when you’re trying to say, finish a 500-page book. Or work extra hours. Or get an extra hour of sleep.
It’s getting very tiring. The no-maid situation hasn’t helped. It’s eaten up another couple of hours in my otherwise fairly manageable morning, making things a bit crazy every day, until 2 pm. When I can actually finally begin my day, look into my email, do my work, blog and the like. Except I realise it isn’t really the start of the day. The day is actually half done. And my body and mind needs a refresher from the frenetic activity of the morning.
Yep, it’s tiring. But more than that, it’s getting frustrating not to have the time to stop and smell the roses. To just sit back with a book and put my feet up, because I felt like it. It seems like whenever I feel like doing that, some unfinished assignment haunts me, or it’s time to run to the gym, or lunch begs to be made, or a friend needs to be met pronto.
It’s been a few months of this constant running on a treadmill and it’s time to take stock, sit back and de-clutter. There are things I want to do that are falling off my mind-map, in this rush to do mundane things like jhadoo-poncha. There are writing ideas waiting to turn from cloudy thoughts to words, there are people I need to write to and connect with, there are business ideas waiting to be tested, there are cakes to be experimented with. And time, it’s slipping away.
When I am not praying hard for 40-hour days, I am constantly striving to do as much as I can in any given day, without multi-tasking — because no good comes from that. But it is time to seriously to go back to old-school pen and paper, to-do lists. And I am very tempted to go off on a staycation, where I take time off from regular life, and dive into all those things that need my attention.
There has been nothing worse than this feeling of being a slave to this constant lack of time. I’m done playing this unhealthy game. It’s time (hah, the irony) to write my brains out, read to my heart’s fill, and the rest can fall into place around it.It’s time to get out of this time-trap.