Advertisements

20 things from my 20s

28 Apr

The Big 3-O is finally upon me. What is it about birthdays that makes me so happy? I love birthdays because so far I’ve been happy to be a year older. The mandatory turning-30 panic did grip me, and still does in moments that make me wonder how so much time could have possibly passed me by, so quickly. I don’t know if I feel 30. (Though I wonder if there is a 30-feeling) In a couple of days, I will be at the crossroads where a life of three-decades meets with wondering what I have to show for it. I’ll let you know then.

What is it about birthdays that makes me a tad contemplative? (PS, this is a really, really long post.)

When I was much younger and I thought about a time when-I-am-grown up, I didn’t think this far. Somehow ‘growing up’ ended at having a high-flying job, buying lots of stuff adults do, not being married and that’s pretty much all I had envisioned for myself. I don’t think I imagined being in my 30s, married, with little to call a job and even lesser stuff, and yet with lots of life on hand. So I’m not sure I can imagine what lies ahead. I’m not very good at drawing promising pictures about the future, but I am quite the champ at looking back. One would say it’s one of the skills I’ve mastered, heh. Looking back with a very pin-pointed gaze and knowing just what has changed for the better.

This list was doing the rounds on twitter many, many months ago. I had bookmarked it for ‘later’, and totally forgot. Predictably. But do you think it’s some sort of weird coincidence that I was cleaning my bookmarks out today, of all days. And I found this list, three days ahead of my 30th birthday? I think not. So let’s see, have I really let go of all that they say I should have? (Key: Yes +, No -, Yes-No +-)

1. The phone numbers of people you should never have the option to contact again if and when temptation strikes, social media connections with people you feel you have to constantly prove yourself to, and the general presence of those who you’ve simply outgrown.

+ Done. Done. And done to the point where the temptation is a distant memory. In some cases, I have been ruthless and while a few years ago I would think of that ruthlessness with a little discomfort and wonder if I did the right thing, of late, in some cases of distancing myself from those I have simply outgrown seems to just sit so right.

2. The timelines you crafted for yourself in the past. There’s no right time for anything, and what’s most painful is being attached to what’s “supposed-to-be” as opposed to whatever is.

+- I think it’s a yes and no on this one. I have become fluid with many things, and let go of the lofty goals I had trapped myself into, aka marking a career with the typical milestones expected of someone my age. But I am quite the slave to some self-crafted time-lines, because for things I want to achieve, I feel a goal and a time-line helps me stay motivated and not lose sight. I am easily distracted and constantly find myself with many fingers in too many different pies, so this helps remind myself of what’s on top of my list. Is this a bad thing?

3. Speaking ill of people for leisure. Making commodity of someone’s life over drinks or at a party is not only something you shouldn’t have done in high school, but should have left back there if you did.

+- Can’t say I am over bitching (or that I ever will be). Really, who is? If you claim you are, you’re probably lying. But I think as long as it’s not feisty, mean — and worst of all — idle bithcing, without context, one shouldn’t feel too bad about it. I was never too interested in idle gossip and I didn’t do enough of it, to be a thing I need to let go of.

4. Waiting for a relationship to save you, because doing so is a dangerously unstable foundation on which you’ll end up building the rest of your life.

+ I think I did this a little bit in the past, ie: before I got married, and then, it had a lot to do with each of those relationships being unhealthy (unstable) in one way or another. I’m over this now because when I think about it hard enough, I can imagine myself whole and complete, without the hugsband’s presence. In theory, my life won’t cease to exist if my marriage does. But it’s not a theory I want to test, so what does that say?

5. The old stuff on your résumé, like the service work you did in high school or the club you belonged to for a week your freshman year of college. Nobody cares about it professionally, and probably not personally either.

OMG no. Mega fail. All the irrelevant shit nobody cares about and doesn’t even matter anymore, is still on my resume. And the resume is three pages long — that is so 2010 in the field I operate in. However, I haven’t felt the need to update my resume since 2010, because I haven’t been in an active job-hunting pool, and haven’t actively looked for a job. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever need to update my resume or if I will ever be on a traditional job hunt (in this field) ever again.

6. Remnants of former loves that you keep around because you’re still holding onto a part of them. You can say they’re sentimental things you’ll want to have in the future, but the reality is that if they only serve to remind you of something that’s missing in your life, you can do without them.

– Cannot. Let. Go. I have letters, random knick-knacks like notes passed, birthday and Valentine’s cards, bottle caps, movie ticket stubs and all kinds of other poky stuff in a memory box bag that I lugged around from my parnets’ home to VC’s, and then Bangalore to Goa and then from old house to new — each time looking at it, shaking my head and wondering if its actually just a waste of space. But I just cannot get myself to let go, because I am a hoarder, a sentimental one at that. The contents of the box are little reminders and looking at them doesn’t send me in a downward spiral of depression over what I don’t have or have lost. Most of it makes me chuckle, smile and think wistfully of the things I’ve done and the person I used to be. So I don’t think I want to let go of this one.

7. Feeling as though you are obligated to be the person someone else sees you as. It doesn’t matter if it’s your parents, your former self or someone you love, you can respect all of those authorities and still realize that you are not required to be anybody but who you choose to be in the present moment.

+- 50-50 on this one. For the most part I am learning to just be myself. The last 5-6 years have seen the steepest curve in terms of self-awareness, accepting and loving me for the person I have grown into. I slip back occasionally when faced with specific situations, like being with the in-laws, or with older people in my family I haven’t met in a long time. I slip into the mould of what is expected of me and struggle to let go and be myself. I’m working on this, slowly but surely.

8. The need to always have the last word and win every argument.

Not sure I can comment on this because it was a trait I think I lacked severely to begin with. In fact it might have done me some good to have a little himmat to fight a few arguments to the end and have the last word. Choosing my battles, letting go in arguments where I know I was right, but deferring to a louder, more vehement (sometimes fluffy) voice has been a skill I embraced because I hate confrontations.

9. Abusing your body with crash diets, dangerously excessive alcohol consumption, disregard for what nourishment means, etc. It doesn’t prove that you’re cool because you’re “reckless but in control”– it just shows that you aren’t being responsible or realistic about your body or health.

+ Yes, over it. That I grew up with a fairly sound body image and eating healthy and staying fit was a very common, ongoing dialogue in my home might have accelerated this. Crash diets were never even considered, and I love food too much to deprive myself of any of it. The accent has always been on eating right, moderation in most things and working out the excesses. I think I always leaned towards being responsible and realistic in this regard.

10. Financial dependency, because there’s a difference between receiving help when you genuinely need it and using someone under the guise of it.

+- Yes. And then no, in that I was independent from the age of 20 till two years ago when I gave up my job. Now I am partly dependent on the husband again.

11. Deciding who you are based on upward and downward comparisons to people, or worse – believing that you are the projection of what you assume other people think of you.

+ Yes. I got over this early in my 20s. Then it might have been a product of blind rebellion, but now I’m more settled with who I am and all my imperfections.

12. What success means. Not being able to pursue a passion in the same way you support yourself is not a mark of failure. But not being able to incorporate those passions into your life outside of work usually is.

+ Yes. Over this. After years of cribbing about not being passionate about my job and worrying that my job was keeping me from my passion — all the while not knowing what this elusive thing called passion was — I decided enough was enough. I took a chance with quitting my job and choosing a sabbatical. I was lucky that it has worked out so far. I am also very fortunate to be in a place in life where I could take that chance and let go of the notion that I was failing at what I thought I would to be succeeding at. Now the word success means all kinds of different things to me.

13. Excessive consumption, and spending as a means of validating self worth. You are not what you have nor are you what you can convince other people you are.

+ Totally over this. I no longer crave ‘stuffzz’ like I used to. I always hated aimless shopping and was never the kind that bought things to feel better. I wish I had a little streak of consumption, though. Occasionally, I come across stuff I feel I want, but that little impulse to follow through is nearly dead. So I’m not sure I’m in a good place with this one.

14. The idea that you’re “above” any kind of work. Entitlement regarding what kind of job you should have is a real thing. In my book, doing whatever it takes to provide for yourself is a success in that it’s a display of one’s resiliency and character.

+ Over this. I think working at the cafe was back-breaking enough to teach me that every field has its fair share of grueling work and somebody’s got to do it. If you’re not in such a job, consider yourself very, very fortunate.

15. Being too passive about things that very much matter to you and then getting upset when they go ignored by the people to whom you should have voiced your opinion.

+- Yes and no. I swing between being determined not to be passive, but there’s enough times where I’m too chicken to stand up for something even though it matters to me, and get upset when its ignored. Long way to go with this one.

16. Anxiety over the way your body fills out– or doesn’t– as you enter adulthood. Fat is not a thing you are, it’s a thing you have, and having too much or too little does not make you any less capable of the things that genuinely matter. The body is just a vessel.

+ Yes, I’m over the anxiety. I have felt the changes of what happens as you enter adulthood, the things people talked about and I laughed at because I really didn’t think it was possible. I was blessed with a superfast metabolism and have been working out since I was 16. But three years of completely letting go of eating right, not moving a muscle and generally letting my health go to the dogs has shown me what a sluggish metabolism can do.

Yes, fat is not a thing you are, it is a thing you have. But no, how much or how little you have kind of does make you less capable of doing things, if you’re in the habit of doing things that require you to be fit. Being unhealthy made me slothful, lethargic and slow, which got in the way of life. I was constantly tired, susceptible to illness and perpetually battling fatigue. This kept me from doing the things I wanted to in any given day, so I’m glad I’m over the anxiety, and was able to get moving back and reclaim my health.

17. The illusion of control. You can work hard, be devoted, care infinitely, and things could still crumble. Nothing hurts worse than spending your life desperately grasping at having a kind of control that is only viable by delusion.

+- Yes and no, I am a control freak at heart. While I manage to control the tangible things in my life with varying levels of success, I sometimes get crushed when I encounter the things that are beyond my control. It’s always a blow in the gut to realise some things are not meant to be, and won’t ever be in my control. A lessons I am slow at learning.

18. The desire to settle because you’d rather not be alone. You will pay for it eventually.

Don’t think this applies because I lucked out early in life.

19. Insulting people’s life choices out of your own resentment and bitterness. People who get married young, or work at jobs that pay well but aren’t fulfilling are easy targets, but are ultimately neither inherently sad nor wrong, though neither is doing the opposite. But the need to insult them is almost always a reflection of yourself (and p.s. I’m guilty of it).

+ Over this. Live and let live has been a serious guiding idiom in the last few years of my life. As I made choices that were constantly met with questioning looks and jibes of disapproval, I’ve realised that people do what works for them, and are entirely entitled to do so. I also have tried to cut back the judgement. Can’t say I have stopped entirely, because when something strikes me as odd or not sitting right, I have this compulsive need to analyze it. I might judge, but I reserve that judgement in most cases, unless my opinion is sought.

20. Acting on the idea that any other person is beneath you, especially for what they think, feel or believe. There’s a lot to be said about a person who can discuss an issue with someone who inherently disagrees, and a lot more to be said about a person who can’t.

+- Yes and no, again. I might judge people for what they think, feel, believe and do, but I voice that opinion or judgement a lot less than I used to. I also don’t give it as much thought anymore. The live and let live attitude has sunken deeper, in that things agitate me less, I spend less time feeling irritated by others choices and waste less time in judgement and discussion that is of no use to me.

*****

Birthdays are time-markers. I remember specific years by the birthday I had each year. I remember what happened at every birthday the last 10 years, and when I think back it feels like the years, they just squished together and went by on fast-forward. When I think backwards to the most recent life developments, like quitting my job, or moving to Goa a few years before that, or getting married a few years before that, or the first few years of slog-work in various advertising agencies, or the years I dated, or college I feel like I just graduated not so long ago. The roll-back seems effortless, like it doesn’t warrant ten whole years of time! And yet, here I am inching on to the dusk of my 20s. Wrapping up a good score worth of years, about to break open the packaging, tearing off the covers to open up a brand new decade.

In another happy occurrence, I found these pictures while cleaning up recently, and it took be sliding down the tunnel of time.  To a time not so long ago when life wasn’t about what I need to let go, acquire and balance out. Life then was literally about sitting around, a protective arm always holding you safe and close. Letting the world come to pause, as you did small things like pretend-play a teacher, traumatize your sibling and lick every last bit of ice cream in your bowl. And sometimes you could even choose to stop and smell the roses for no reason at all.

Circa 1984. Every time I look at this picture I am amazed by the smallness.

Circa 1984. Every time I look at this picture I am amazed by the smallness.

Age 5, I think.

Age 5, I think.

I think I was about 3 years old.

Age 3. I think. Again.

Birthdays are definite milestones, whichever way you look at it, and maybe the fact that the last decade was more packed with events than the previous two makes me feel like a lot happened. Way too much. But, I’m going to be 30 in a few days, you guys. I can’t wait!

Advertisements

29 Responses to “20 things from my 20s”

  1. R April 28, 2014 at 9:32 am #

    I have so much else to say about the 20 points, but dude, look at you in pics 2 and 3 (i’ve seen pic 1 before). That look of scrunched up concentration is the cutest thing I have seen all weekend! Also, dress in pic 3 – was it an 80’s thing for all us to own one such dress? Sending you a pic on whatsapp of the sibling in something similar. Will come back to comment more, but such a chakkadu baby, man! :D

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 11:21 am #

      Hahaha, whats a chakkadu baby :D Youre right about the “ghaghra” being an 80s thing. I was quite obsessed with dupattas at that age, so I think this was me trying to be all grown up. But I thought you were refering to the frock-era.. I had so many of them!

  2. arundati April 28, 2014 at 10:22 am #

    welcome to the 30’s dude. It is surely better than the last decade because we are so self assured, there is more body confidence and lots of crap in the form of things, people and pressure just trashed….cute baby pics man… and your mom is so beautiful!

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 11:13 am #

      If the last 4-5 years are a precursor for what this growing up/old business is supposed to be like, then Im quite looking forward to it :D The increase in being self assured definitely does help trash a lot of the stuff we worry about in the 20s I think.

      And thanks, my mommy is pwetty, no?!

  3. The Gypsy Girl April 28, 2014 at 10:29 am #

    Welcome to the 30’s! I turned 30 just two months ago, and it’s all good fun so far…..except the crap metabolism, and the form filling where, in a month you move from “25 – 29” to “30 – 35”. That bit, it hurts.

    You were such a cute baby! And you mum looks so beautiful in that picture.

    Congrats on the big 3-O once again. Have a blast!!

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 11:12 am #

      Thanks, Im quite excited to be turning 30 :)

  4. onehonestwriter April 28, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    Just one thing, your mom in the above pic looks exactly same as your sister (from the pics of her, I saw on your blog). Am i right? Do they look same?

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

      Yes, you may be right, though Im not sure which pics of my sister youve compared with. They do look quit similar.

  5. The Bride April 28, 2014 at 12:11 pm #

    Happy 30 in advance!

    Those pics are the bomb, can’t decide which is cuter! In the first one, your mom looks so peaceful while you look perturbed, when it’s most often the exact opposite in mom-and-baby pics.

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 1:04 pm #

      Haha, yes I was a hyper baby from day 1. Sitting still was out of the question so being forced to was met with much disapproval. I always look at this picture and chuckle at my toes, theyre so ready to get up and get going rather than sit around in Ammas arms :D

  6. arundati April 28, 2014 at 1:20 pm #

    I missed to exclaim at those lashes in the ghagra wala pic man! yes everyone was obsessed with those dresses and dupattas in the 80’s. Many of us will have pseudo gaon ki gori type of pics too with head covered … so glad we grew out of that phase!

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

      Gawd, look at us talking about “the 80s” like a couple of paaties!

  7. Sarvani April 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    Soo well written.. agreed with almost every word!! Happy birthday R.. here’s to the 30s that be entertaining and enlightening in equal measure!! :))

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

      Hehe its not for another two days, but thanks!

  8. Dixya @ Food, Pleasure, and Health April 28, 2014 at 7:41 pm #

    wow those points are something to really think about..im approaching big 3-0 soon and im not even a birthday person to begin with, it freaks me out. happy early birthday.

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 7:43 pm #

      Thanks D :D Yes that list is a good one to look at if youve had an eventful 20s.. definitely gave me a lot to think about.

  9. aprawriter April 28, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

    “It doesn’t prove that you’re cool because you’re “reckless but in control”– it just shows that you aren’t being responsible or realistic about your body or health”. – I love this line! Very well said. Happy birthday and welcome to the 30s!

    • hAAthi April 28, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Thanks. Yes Thought Catalogue surprises me with its accuracy sometimes!

  10. nidhi14jan April 29, 2014 at 1:17 am #

    Happy Birthday!!!! I am 33 and I wish I sounded as grown-up as you do ;)

    • hAAthi April 29, 2014 at 6:19 am #

      Hahaha uh-oh is that a good thing? And thanks, even though the bday is on Thursday :)

  11. Zarine Mohideen April 29, 2014 at 9:39 am #

    These pictures are precious! Happy 30th Revathi! I’m sure its going to be a fabulous one!

  12. shub (@shubhere) April 30, 2014 at 6:33 pm #

    Oho, so finally you are hitting the ripe old age of 30-aa? :p

    I think there are some lovely points made up there, and I’ll probably need to go back and ponder over what my responses to some of those would be. But, the over-consumption bit – absolutely. Come to think of it, I got over that phase pretty much around the time I turned 30, also probably something to do with moving from a city where shopping was a national hobby :)

    And dude, those pics are a riot. I love the miffed expression you have on your Mom’s lap. And whaaat super concentration in that pic where you’re eating ice-cream? Custard? So precious!

    I’m catching up on my commenting, please excuse.

    • hAAthi April 30, 2014 at 7:01 pm #

      Haha yes i was miffed to be held down in one place man!

      And what city were you in before *grins evilly* B-)

  13. egeedee April 30, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

    Those photos are too cute. I had that same outfit in pic 3 (like you said, EVERYBODY did). Of all the points, I have become number 13 and quite and aggressive number 13. I’ve become extra conscious about “wants” and “needs”. Aimless shopping is dumb and when you live in this USA place, it can really kill your spirit by reading the clothing labels (Made in Sweatshops). I have bought most of my clothes (and shoes and other knick knacks) second hand in the past 2 years. I can’t wait to turn 30…I hope it’s an amazing day for you!

    • hAAthi April 30, 2014 at 10:46 pm #

      Yeah 13 is aggressively catching up with India too. Theres pretty much nothing you cant buy. Literally including happiness, some people would have you believe.

      Thanks for the good wishes. Im super EXCIIITE!

  14. clueless May 1, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

    Belated birthday wishes, Revati! Love how articulate you are :)

    • hAAthi May 1, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

      Its todayyy so your wishes are accurate :) thanks!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Day 118: This day, that year | hAAthi Time - April 27, 2016

    […] 2014. I actually had no memory of doing this exercise in reflection, but once I saw the post and read through it the memory sparked back to life. It was a fun list to reflect on, on the eve of turning 30, which somehow seems like it was a long time ago, and yet like it only just happened. As I read through it, I realised how much things have changed even in the two years since the day. Maybe it’s time to do it again? Also my baby pictures in the post never fail to make me smile. […]

Pour your thoughts over mine

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s