For the first time in two whole years, I’m utterly jobless. And not just in a manner of speaking. I’m out of work, of the professional kind. It’s an odd place I haven’t been in a long, long time.
Can’t say I didn’t bring this upon myself, because it is the result of part-carefully-thought-out-decision, and part-decision-not-going-to-plan. I’m in a strange state of mind I haven’t been in possibly 4 years now.
Limbo, is one way to look at it, because I’m weighing the options I have, pursuing the ones I think will interest me, and help further my skill in the direction I want to take it. And until things really do move ahead, I feel like this in-between is going to gnaw at me for some time still.
For the first time in what feels like forever, I have empty time. My hands itching to do something, and there is no immediate project at hand. There is a lot of waiting happening, and it has made me very restless. This is a new feeling, this kind of quiet restlessness. I’m not used to being vela like this, and the antsy, somethings-bubbling kind of feeling that lurks not far behind, but never really catching up with me fully.
I find myself going over events in my head, over and over, wondering if I should have done something differently.
I find myself endlessly reading online, in search of an elusive opportunity that might pop up at me suddenly.
I find myself jumping at the sound of every incoming email that chimes in.
I find myself asking if its time for a complete change of streams entirely.
I find myself just waiting. Waiting and waiting for something to happen.
For those I have written to, to respond. For those who said they would let me know, to actually do it. For those who promised me more leads to write to, to send in the information. For something, anything worth my time and effort to come my way.
It’s ironic because when I was gainfully employed, I longed for the freedom this life of freelancing promised. After close to two years of freelancing my heart out, in the midst of a bunch of gigs, some part of me began to knock silently, asking for more. A project bubbling on the back burner forever now, demanded more time. And so after much thought, many weeks of hemming and hawing, I took the plunge and pulled back from all my work. Presumably to focus my energies elsewhere. Now, I am in that sweet spot. Of having nothing and nobody to devote my time to. Nothing, except the projects my heart desires. And some how, I’m running round in circles in my head, waiting and hoping for work to come my way again.
Today, the penny dropped. And I realised I need to step back and evaluate just what it is I am truly after. And why. My heart seems to be in one place, patiently waiting. While my head battles it out elsewhere. Pulling me backwards and forwards at the same time. And somehow, I’m stuck in between. Employment is the obvious answer. Something to occupy my hands, my head and my heart. Something to give meaning to what I’m doing. Work is what I want. But I’m not really sure the form in which I’m seeking it, is what I need.