It was a week that delicately straddled a lot and nothing at all, in a precarious balance. A lot, because I was busy for the first half, chasing a deadline. Chasing it, because I’m the eternal procrastinator. I don’t function unless I’m under pressure. And if the situation doesn’t present any packaged pressure, I’ve just proved to myself yet again, that I have the ability to work myself into a corner and press myself down with a self-made kind of pressure. The good thing is, it yields fabulous results. I’m happy with what I churned out after 3 days of playing hookey. After many slow weeks, it suddenly felt like I had a lot going on.
The long-drawn procrastination, sporadic frantic bursts of writing for the assignment and eventually the scramble to get it done and done well, and the general routine that surrounds it all, was punctuated with moments of nothing at all. Even though I cooked, I worked out, I read, I caught up on some long-pending errands (I’m getting my garden going, finally!) and got lots of odds and ends done, I’ve had far too many moments of empty contemplation than I cared to have. Hollow pondering — cloudy, unnecessary trails of thoughts. Travelling down paths I have left behind, but obviously not far enough to never turn around and backtrack a bit. Empty and completely unrequired because it’s like revisiting old fragments of myself that I have shed — incidents I tell myself I have forgotten, have grown out of and moved on from. But they lurk not far behind, ghostly reminders of a time that will never be the same again, situations that won’t ever be fixed, relationships that can’t be mended, decisions that I don’t want to undo, choices I have made that I sometimes question in a circular fashion. So it is futile. I don’t like to sit around in a cloud of gloom, in shallow contemplation, pondering over things that are not likely to do much more than bring me down. So in that sense, its empty time. And there was a lot of this, nothingness.
I’ve questioned the hows and whys of many aspects of my current life a little too much these past few weeks. I’ve over-analyzed and re-thought many twists and turns that have brought me to where I am. Work-wise, people-wise, choice-wise, I’ve wondered and wondered and thought and re-thought things much more than I should. And much more than I normally do. And then I read this in a post by a friend.
Learn to trust that what you have is enough
Written in a totally different context though it was, it made sense. It was just what I needed to see, right then. I’m not as zen as the words sound like they should be, but it’s good to have a simple reminder smack you in the face when you need it the most. And just like that, the army of little voices in my head, asking me a dozen questions per minute, died down a bit. The silence returned for a while. Just long enough to catch up on the music. And thankfully, there was a lot of good, new music last week.
Episode 3 of Coke Studio Pakistan, Season 3 had one gem which turned into a complete earworm for a couple of days. It’s a radically different track for Abida, this one. And she admits it with such unbridled joy if you watch the Behind The Scenes video.
I watched Haider during the week, right after the mad scramble to meet the deadline. As soon as I was ready to submit the story, I attached it to an email, hit send, shut my laptop and left. Thankfully, I made it two minutes before show-time, and it was well worth the dash. I enjoyed Haider. Enough to watch it a second time. I’m not going to pretend to over-analyze why I did, but I think the sound-design and music were definitely among the top reasons why the movie was enjoyable. I discovered this new rendition of a Mehdi Hasan classic.
8Tracks sometimes throws up some pleasant surprises. I never quite got hooked to the website/App for its obvious anti-ocd kinks. But S pointed me to a playlist that began with this track, which I then youtube-d and stuck to for a good long while. I am hugely tempted to use it in a foodeo now.
The radio played this track an obscene number of times this week. Makes me believe The Madden Brothers have done something right (wrong?) to suddenly be in the news again. But this song came on almost every time I got into my car, and its that kind of horribly sticky fun song that stays in your head and on your lips, even when you don’t want it to. I went around saying “done, done, done, done, done – we are done!” for a good part of the week. And then I watched this sweet video, and it changed the mood of the song completely.
Luckily, it was a fabulous week of music discovery. To fill the pauses that could linger into moments of futile contemplation. To make the cloud of gloom clear a bit and scatter the forgotten fragments, leaving them behind a little longer. Yep, I’m done now. Done overthinking and analyzing.
What I have is enough.