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It’s in the words

22 Dec

There was a time when the hugsband, before he was the husband, was all about the physical displays of affection. A large part of the charm he played on me had to do with his impeccable timing in doing all the right things at the right time. The timely bouquet of yellow roses that arrived at my home even before I did after a three-day crazy corporate-film schedule. Our Sunday-dates that were incomplete without him driving over to pick me up, producing a flower or appropriate object of adoration every time I turned away. The way he gently took my hand in his when we crossed the road, no matter that most times, I am usually the one firmly striding away ahead of him. Even today he hastily chucks a blanket over me, every night, short of tucking me into bed. He was the sort who didn’t pass up a single opportunity to steal a hug, and the only boy I’ve ever dated who preferred to sit next to me (on the same side of the table), than across me.

I learned the first lessons of a relationship growing thanks to VC, when a relationship invariably reaches a point where it is no longer a self-involved bubble for just the two people involved. It was more than heartening to see how easily he was able to adapt to my family, blend in, and most importantly, make all those same physical displays of affection, with genuine openness. Whether it was hugging my folks when they came visiting, giving the sister an earnest pep talk when she most needed it, trying to blend in with my friends, going out of his way to make things work for us as a larger unit.

They say actions speak louder than words, and yes it’s true for the most part. I hang on to memories of VC’s actions even today. When I mock him about how he no longer feels the need to surprise me with flowers. Or chooses to sit across from me (to aid easier conversation, duh!) these days. My attempts to poke and prod him do nothing to him, though. He’s steadfast in his ways, knows that the small measured ways of showing his affection are what come naturally, and what mean the most.

When friends ask me just how much the love changes when you marry someone you’ve dated for so long, I’m tempted to say nothing does. But that would be a lie. Things change. But it’s a good kind of change, to have moved on from large, outward displays of affection that I looked out for and treasured, that gave me a sense of security, to knowing that these days it’s not so much about the actions. They don’t always speak louder than words.

These days it’s the words I hang on to.

“I don’t want to go without you,” he said last week, the evening before he left for Bangalore, when I was still a coughing, wheezing mess.

“I miss you when I’m having fun,” he said all the way from Bangalore, blissed with all the handcrafted beer he’d had in his belly.

“What have you done? You’re looking so nice,” he said this morning, when he returned and I opened to door to help him with his suitcases.

There may be no bouquet of yellow roses waiting for me when I get home, but it’s nice to get a call out of the blue, when I’m pottering about the kitchen, wondering what to cook for dinner. Pulao, I decide, quickly thinking up a way to make it sound palatable for VC. The phone rings just as I begin slicing up an onion and I answer it.

“Do you want to go on a date tonight?” he asks, “feels like we haven’t talked in so long*.”

So yes, things change. If I looked for the actions, looking for hidden meaning, hoping they’d be louder than the words then, these days I hang on to the words, the little surprise utterances that come suddenly, unexpectedly. It’s like the difference between snappy grape juice — young and zingy to taste, the sweet-sourness washing away with every sip — and the deep, full bodied flavours of wine — heavy, warm and that linger around long after you have taken a sip. If those were the years of sharp, energetic ways of the young, I feel like a we’re a well-aged wine. If that was all about bold actions, these days it does feel like it’s all in the words. Small, simple as they may be. It’s all in the words.

*PS: he was only gone for 3 days.

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8 Responses to “It’s in the words”

  1. R December 22, 2014 at 6:49 pm #

    Love. I’ve told you already how I love your VC posts the best, no? The honesty is always there in all your posts, but with the VC posts, there is also a person to relate it to; know what I mean?
    As I grow older, I realise how important it is to like the spouse of the friend. Now I have to meet him. Soon.

    • hAAthi December 22, 2014 at 6:52 pm #

      Come to goa already!! If recent experience is anything to go by he gets along with my friends even better when im mot around ;)

  2. Jyotika December 22, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

    so sweet is this post. You guys are solid and am glad to have hung out with you guys. Lots of love to both of you.

    • hAAthi December 22, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

      Aww. Thanks yo!

  3. popgoesthebiscuit December 23, 2014 at 10:39 am #

    This one forced me to come out of lurking and comment:) I totally get this post. Like you, I am married to the only guy I have dated who wanted to always sit on the same side of the table as me.

    • hAAthi December 23, 2014 at 11:18 am #

      Lol.. samepinch! Thought now he only and only ever sits across me, all the time..

  4. Pepper December 23, 2014 at 11:21 am #

    Well aged wine. Yes, that’s what you guys are.

    You reduced me to a pile of, I don’t know, something really warm and soft. I could relate to this post so much. Mint and I still sit on the same side of the table. He seems to prefer it more than me.We hold hands while walking but it is not the same anymore. We don’t do it every step of the way, the way we once did. Everything you wrote struck a chord.

    And while I sometimes get wishful about the past, I know that the sturdy gestures and words of the present are what count and say more..

    • hAAthi December 23, 2014 at 11:22 am #

      They do, they really do. Also evidenced by the fact that you don’t look out for the smaller little things as much anymore right? So when the surprise moves and words are made, out of the blue, you smile :)

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