There’s a shit ton of stuff happening. Life has been more on than off, moving full steam ahead since January. So much has changed since I turned the corner of 2014, and stepped into 2015. The obligatory recap lies half-written, unfinished. Its am ambitious 3-part post. Several time, I’ve come here to write — to finish the unfinished posts, to talk about something that’s happened or is going on, to share links to my work that’s getting published elsewhere, to talk about the many issues that keep surfacing around me. There has been a lot to say, and yet, I have been completely incapable of saying it. This has happened before, so the feeling of words being bottled up inside is not a new one, but what is new is the feeling of being completely unperturbed by my own silence. This time, I haven’t been worked up about infrequent posting, I haven’t forced myself to open up a window and sit down to write, not getting up until the post is done. This time around I’ve accepted the silence, as a much-needed one. C’est la vie, and all that.
With so much going on outside of this blog, with my work having picked up pace like it hasn’t in a long time, I feel like I’m a bit lost for words. I deplete every last bit of it churning out my gigs one after another. I have enough time and repose only to read a little (but never finish a book), manage my chores (but feel increasingly like they’re becoming a burden on my time), cook my meals (and feel glad for that chore, as the only respite from being glued to my desk and laptop), peel myself away for my evening workouts (and realise no matter what kind of busy times come and go, I will be so hard-pressed to give these up). And before I know it the day is done.
Days bleed into nights, nights crawl into the new days — my idea of time is a slithering, slippery being I’m constantly trying to hold in the palm of my hand. But its also being reduced to a series of happenings, punctuated by driving long distances, ticking things off my to-do list, and nights of much needed rest. The weekends come and go in a blur of busy-ness and happy activities, and most times I’m torn between cutting back and doing nothing to enjoy the peace and quiet, and making the most of the 2 days of freedom that come at the end of 5 days of hard work.
But today, I felt like writing. Its the first Monday in many, many weeks that I don’t have any demands on my time, no deadline looming over my head, and no pressures of having committed to things I am struggling to deliver.
I’m off to Delhi in a couple of hours. So I spent my morning leisurely packing, cleaning out the fridge, setting my kitchen back in order one last time before I leave it to the hugsbands antics for a whole week. I hopped over to the neighbours to have a mid-day chai and chit-chat — something I haven’t done in absolute aeons. And I’m going to make myself some parathas to eat before I’m on my way.
I was a bit apprehensive about taking a week off from my routine here. Does that happen to you? Ever get so absorbed and immersed into the flow of things, that even when it’s making you drag your feet to keep moving, you’re unwilling and apprehensive to break the flow momentarily? But as I went to sleep last night, ticking off in my head a checklist of things I needed to do before packing up, I slipped into a semi-excited-semi-relaxed acceptance of the week ahead. It marks a new beginning I have stretched myself beyond my means to move towards. I am grateful, and want to make the most of it. As for feeling disconcerted about leaving the cocoon of my home and the sanctuary that is my desk, I think that was an unsubstantiated fleeting emotion, and I felt it flutter away and pop like a bubble in my head last night. I sank into a calm settledness that I haven’t felt in a while. And suddenly the opportunity to be away for a week seems like the best thing to have happened in a while.
For the first time in forever, time feels like it’s slowing down.
I’m going to savour it. Doing some of the things I constantly feel cheating of, thanks to my life here. I’ve loaded up on the books, looked up places to wander to, contacted friends I have missed meeting on earlier trips to Delhi. Yep, I’m ready. Let’s do this, Delhi.