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Irony repeats itself

15 Dec

I’ve said it before. And I will say it again – because this is a constant recurring theme in my life.

The trouble with being fiercely independent, largely sorted, mostly happy and drama-free, is that you fail to ask for help in ways that can be understood.

I see people around me who seem to be constantly surrounded by safety nets of concern, help always at hand and just emotional support and strength to make up for the moments when they’re lacking it themselves.

And then I see people like me. And VC. In many ways, giving comes most naturally to us – whether it is emotionally, physically, monetarily. Whether it is empathy, concern, grief. Or just plain and simple support to another, when he/she needs it.

Time and time again, we lose track of just how much we am giving. Forgetting that we too, as individuals, need to be a key recipients of our own love, concern, strength and support.

December has been a taxing month. It’s only the 15th, and I’m feeling weightless and like I’m floating along in an abyss. I’ve felt a gamut of extreme emotions – from overwhelming fear and worry, to debilitating relief, to pain and confusion, to wild eruptions of joy and laughter. And somehow it’s left me very, very drained.

Last week, I felt an inexplicable paralysis. I didn’t know where it was coming from or what caused it. But I was just unable to move, do much, or even talk to anybody about it. I managed to get my work done, but it was a struggle to finish on time, meet my deadlines and just stay afloat. And even in between all of that there were highs so high, I didn’t know what to do with the energy or where to direct it.

For days now, I’ve carried around this bundle of nerves in my stomach. This feeling of wanting to take a break. Just cutting back from it all and going into a shell. But December didn’t allow it. Work reached a pinnacle like there is no tomorrow, dear friends were marooned, others went through there own mini trials and tribulations, my family too had a fair share of mini upheavals – and I wanted to be there for all those situations. Predictably, spreading myself super thin. The trouble with being away adds to it because you can only mentally spread yourself *so* thin and no more. It is frustrating to always offer help and support over a telephone, and that has added to the confused state of mind.

I’ve wanted to take a break, but I just can’t seem to catch one. On Sunday evening, I had a remarkably insightful conversation with a stranger that reaffirmed this thought, crystallised it in my mind and made me realise its *okay* to feel this way. That it is not selfish to want it. And not selfish to go through with it. It’s ironic how we surround ourselves with people we love, family who is always just a phone call (or thought) away, friends with whom we share a camaraderie of the highest degree with, and yet there are moments in your life that only a stranger can fix.

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6 Responses to “Irony repeats itself”

  1. My Era December 15, 2015 at 5:41 pm #

    May December end on a note that’ll gift you a much needed break and 2016 dawn to see a calmer, happier you :)

  2. Revs December 21, 2015 at 5:35 pm #

    Hugs, namesake! Sending you lots of e-love and cheer :*

    • hAAthi January 2, 2016 at 9:45 pm #

      Thanks – I need to gather as much of it as I can <3

  3. Sulakshana Badri April 30, 2016 at 11:21 am #

    Ah. I just read this, and your short one on irony. I feel you. Glad there was a stranger to fix.

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