In case you haven’t already noticed (if you’re still hanging around holding your breath waiting for a new post on this blog, and if you aren’t I don’t blame you, my track record has been abysmal the last 12 months) posting frequency has dwindled to a pitiful trickle around here. It actually started midway through 2014, when I began to lose interest in writing about the minutiae, and what suddenly felt like inconsequential details, about my life. I don’t mean to look down upon that kind of blogging, heck I did it for so many years, but I have just lost the inclination to keep sharing and reading that kind of blog. I realised it when noticed that I hadn’t done a round up of 2014 last year, and today I noticed I have a draft dating back to 1st January 2014. A sputtering beginning of a post about what I was apparently looking forward to in 2015, that I started 365 days ago. It was last edited on 2nd January 2015 and still lies unfinished. Obviously. As has been the general state of most things blog related this year.
Ironically, the post begins with a story about how a friend said to me on the first day of 2015 that she predicts it will be a momentous year. Given the rather wretched 2014 I had had, I laughed it off and gave her a dose of cynicism. My way of telling her I wasn’t expecting much, if the previous 12 months were anything to go by.
But, I couldn’t have been more wrong. So. Much Has. Happened. It will forever be remembered as the year (the first one since I quit my full time job in 2012) I went from working from home, writing to earn some pocket money to becoming what many women around the world call a Full Time Freelancer. The year I went back to earning a living, upping the ante for myself and supporting our lives significantly.
It will be the year I went through the most emotional churn in terms of my approach to relationships, drawing boundaries, learning to read people’s behaviour and not taking bullshit just because someone I was unable to confront was handing it to me. This made a huge difference personally and professionally.
It’s always going to be the year I struggled less with keeping up unnecessary relationships for the sake of it. I’m far from where I want to be – the unburdened, subtle, impossibly light and free being I think I once was – but I’ve made progress with this one, this year, more than ever before.
It is the year I had a ridiculously high number of girlfriend-centric trips. In Goa and outside. Which also made me realise I am suddenly the person who went from being the only girl in a gang of boys to suddenly being surrounded by only women. All the people I now call my friends are mostly women now – all in their 30s or over. And this has been life-changing. It has been liberating in ways I didn’t imagine the company of women could be. I am truly grateful for this.
It is the year VC and I took a few big leaps in terms of dropping roots. Oddly enough, it was the year we realised it was necessary to drop roots in order to fly a little bit more.
It will always be the year I did things like go whale watching and be surrounded by a boat full of puke-y Chinese tourists, eat a different cuisine every day of a short trip to Singapore, became more than mildly obsessed with Korean Dramas (subtitles, zindabad!), bought myself dancing shoes, joined a dance classes to learn how to Jive, Salsa and Samba, and finally mastered doing side splits (both sides!) and got impossibly close to doing a full box split.
I’ve had a fulfilling, enjoyable and abundant year in many ways. But I’ve also paid the price for being that busy, in many other ways. And yet, I’m unable to get myself to do a real recap of 2015, in the detailed way that I have in the past. Also, the goals I have for 2016 are too few and suddenly, too personal to talk about. This is a new development for me: not wanting to write and share, to declare, to make a statement, to put it out there. And this is something I will always remember about 2015.
It is the year something shifted within me. The year I decided what I wanted and truly put my nose to the grindstone, got down to it without a fuss. For the first time ever, I minimised the complains. There was tremendous fatigue, the expected dose of difficulties, requisite collisions with people and odd situations, and a palpable frustration that came from having to let many of the other aspects of my life slip, but only those close to me knew about it, when I chose to give it enough importance to talk about it.
As for the things I’ve had to sacrifice: I started the year wanting to read 52 books before the end, but stopped at 3. Three – a new low even for me. I completely lost my grip on the steady and dedicated efforts I was making towards craft, with my writing. My daily writing rituals and practice came to a grinding halt. I traveled so much, worked so much but didn’t catalogue any of it. I had a host of experiences, made so many new perceptions, altered so many old ones but didn’t write any of it down to remind myself. Heck, this blog tells the tale best. For the first time in forever, I neglected this blog – the space I’ve held almost sacred. I made no promises to come back any time soon. But, I had decided I wanted to talk less and do more, and this was a natural consequence of it. So maybe it shouldn’t surprise me that despite everything and the fair share of disappointments, troubles, impossibly high highs and low lows I faced, I ended 2015 feeling positive and satisfied.
So I’m just going to say 2016 is going to be about regaining some of that balance. Realign the focus, tweak it for what lies ahead and what we’ve chosen to make our goals for the next 12 months.
I’ve been on the brink of a next-is-what? for months now and I finally feel like things are reaching some kind of crescendo. It’s been a bit like climbing steadily up a slope, gaining momentum to get to a pinnacle of sorts. I cannot wait to get to the top so I can have a good view of the horizon and what lies over the edge. And onwards and upwards from there.
Have a good one, you guys. Whatever you wish for in the new year, I hope it’s momentous. Just like 2015 was for me. Unexpectedly eventful, bitter-sweet, but nicely done.