Today, I was told that I used the word “struggle” 25 times in a little over an hour. It’s true, struggled I have, through various things this year, with challenges big and small. Minuscule, even. But like I told the bearer of this news this morning, it’s only in the last two odd years that the things that I always thought were routine challenges, bumps in the road, minor transgressions, problems, issues or whatever else you want to call it, have begun to feel like a struggle. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve become so deeply cognisant of what that feels like. Uphill climb. Expending energy disproportionate to the anticipated result. Feeling mentally exhausted. Wondering why me! Questioning the underlying reasons and looking for hidden meaning in every little uphill climb. So there’s been a lot of lessons. A lot of unexpected events, twists in the story, developments. And I’ve discovered things about me, my friends, VC, and my area of work as a result.
Struggle takes several different forms. I have different words for it. Hustling, slogging, pimping, getting bajaoed. In fact it has become such an integral part of my vocabulary, that being told didn’t surprise me. It just solidified the squishy semi-solid hunch I’ve had for a while, that perhaps vocalising it so much has made me internalise it. And internalising it has caused an unconscious acceptance of it too. Chatting with VC about it, we wondered if maybe this is also a part and parcel of being a creative person? Because I look around me, and I see so many folks in a similar state of mind. Many of them are deeply creatively inclined, if not already engaged in a creative field. I’m hypothesising, but maybe there is something to it.
Today, I was asked to find a better synonym for it. And I think I’m going to settle for “lesson.” There have been lessons. Many, many lessons. Lessons in altering my perspective, in letting go of the old, in cutting ties when the time is up, in learning to learn better, in feeling whole and enough, in trying to be at peace, even when it feels like everything about me is coming apart.
Peace. For all the restlessness, uncertainty and angst I’ve churned inside my being this year, I’ve also learned peace. I came home strangely at peace at having realised this today. Perhaps this is what I am meant to learn from all
this stru, scratch that, these lessons?
There is a lot to be said about discovering this kind of peace, from within yourself, by yourself. It’s like going a step up form enjoying your own company. And that in itself has been such a massive learning this year. To be able to escape into a space of quiet, to surrender when I’m feeling vulnerable, and to just breathe and leave things be, even when it feels impossible.
I’ve had innumerable such moments. At home, or when I’ve dashed off for a walk on the beach, or when I’m focused on a piece of work, or engrossed in a conversation with VC or a friend. For all the restlessness and angst that I’ve felt, for every struggle, I’m thankful for the light that shines through, the passage of time, and the blessing that is retrospect.