I love it when my inner monologue and the outer movings of my world collide, in moments of affirmation like this one.
Since the start of the year, this (and other variations of this) has been my refrain: Go outside.
Out of my comfort zone.
Out of my own way.
Outside the corners of my mind.
Beyond the limits I’ve known to exist.
Go do it.
Take a chance.
So what if it’s not something I’ve done before?
Try something new.
Live a little.
Let go a little more.
Don’t be afraid to go somewhere new, whether physically, mentally or emotionally.
You get the drift.
Towards the end of 2017, I really did feel like I was stepping into a new phase of sorts. A lot of the churn, and the events of 2017 had felt inconclusive on their own, but like collectively they were leading me somewhere. And at the start of this year, I knew at a very cellular level that something had changed. Like I was dipping into some previously unknown repository of clarity, self-awareness and confidence. I didn’t just feel this, in my head. I saw it pan out, in the way I was being.
The nail on the head was the previously unknown levels of contentment, confidence and peace that I began to feel. It was still to early to rejoice or put it down to real change, but when I saw myself breezing through a week or two of inactivity, the sort of low that would usually turn my world around, with not so much of a whimper of nervousness or excitement, I knew I was on to something.
It’s not like the last two months have been smooth or like a plateau. They have been anything but. Whether it’s the severe ups and downs work (my own and what I do with VC) my routine running amok, my body throwing non-cooperative oddballs my way, or the consistent relationship messages I’ve been stumbling on. I’ve had a fair number of instances to stop, take a breather and break down a bit. But it hasn’t happened. Not nearly as much as it used to affect me in the past.
Things happen, things come, thing go, people come, people go, some stuff works, some stuff doesn’t. I’d like to think the confidence and the contentment is making it easier to let things blow through me, rather than blow me down. Which is to say I don’t stumble as often as I did. I don’t go back into a shell of fear, every time something doesn’t go to plan, I don’t calculate my moves as much, I’m willing to give most things a fresh start, and I’m happy to let go. Of the doubt, the fear and the resentment — all things that definitely slowed me down last year.
Whatever happens, just get out. Do it over. Do it again. Do it another way.
And of course, it helps that the affirming signs (like the one above) come at regular intervals, in case doubt should strike. It’s like my subconscious being mirrored in my actions. In more ways than one.
If the last two years were about conserving energy, quietly figuring things out and worrying about where I was headed, this year I find myself trusting the outside a lot more. I’m willing to go outside. In my head, as much as in reality.
I’ll take this kind of peace over the mood swings and emotional outbursts. I much prefer the head screwed on, eyes wide open way of going through my days, than the busybody spinning-like-a-top way that frankly left me lost and without a clue where I was going.
Going outside never felt better.
Two years ago: Day 67: Flying solo