Day 152: May

Call it magic, call it true

I’m tired of repeating (even to myself) how utterly odd I’ve been feeling this month. Even as the days zip, the in betweens have stretched and made the four+ weeks seem inordinately stretched. I almost can’t believe it’s June today, and we’re at the edge of the halfway mark through this year.

All month long I waited for inspiration to strike, so I could write that one spectacularly articulate post that would sum up all the epiphanies, moments of clarity, positivity and inner strength that have kept me afloat and sometimes thrust me forward, even through the cloudiness that has shrouded the past few weeks.

But, it never came.

Admittedly, this hasn’t been the best month, as far as clarity goes. And it’s shown all over my blog. I’ve stayed with writing everyday, never missing a chance or putting it off, resorting to pictures 90% of the time. Sometimes hoping they’d do the talking, and sometimes not even that.

Despite all of that, it has been a significant and special time for me. For one, it was birthday month, and that always puts a shiny, brand-new-again spin on everything. And it was also a month of frenetic activity. Because there were two holidays — one to Goa and another to Thailand. And in between it all there was family visiting and lots of outings and get togethers. Somewhere in the midst of all that was also my inner self bobbing up and down, nudging me, constantly reminding me of the unsettled, unanchored way that I was feeling in my core. Like something is astir and change is in the works, yet again. It was a month of many of life’s firsts, each one remarkable and memorable in it’s own way.

One would think this would leave me with much to write about. And so I waited, all month long, for that perfect opportunity — where inspiration would strike and set the words in motion, just at the right time out from all that was going on around me.

But, it never came. And somewhere in the midst of the waiting, while also making do with the little juice I had going, I realised there was a little lesson to learn. To really just keep swimming. Even when the waters may not be perfect. Even when my arms are flailing uncoordinated. Even when I’m tired. Sometimes even when I don’t really want to swim too much.

This shift — recognising that not everything has to be perfect, or excellent, or enjoyable, or remarkable and that sometimes it just has to be, happen, exist, move on — has been the theme of the month.

Like Austin Kleon says about shitty, imperfect first drafts, whose entire purpose is to just get the juices flowing, the writing muscles loosened up, and the mind ticking, I’ll take this as practice to just get through the plateaus that hold promise of change at the edge of the horizon, to build the patience to make that journey to the edge without feeling like a leaf thrown in a storm, to hold my place and hang on to the small everyday joys even when all about me is a circus in full tilt.

It’s possible. Essential, even. To know and experience the meh as much as I crave and aspire for the woohoos in life.

I’m beginning to think of May as the first draft of the rest of this year, because I’ve just felt the immensity of how much this applies to life as it does to art like a flash of bright, bright light.

It doesn’t matter if it’s good right now, it just needs to exist.

***

Right, so if you’re interested in seeing what seemed like a picture album of the month gone by, let’s get on with it:

Birthday month!

I turned 34. And I feel convinced I may never really feel my actual age. I had a love-filled birthday that was somewhat perspective-altering.

Postcards from Goa:

  1. On sliding into what is, rather than getting caught up in what could have been
  2. I consumed more beer than I’ve allowed myself to in a long, long time. And I found a new favourite
  3. There was so much doggie-love, and warmth and a heart-tugging kind of comfort in their presence
  4. There was some work-related perks
  5. And a lot of relaxing down-time with friends
  6. Some roots dropped and new beginnings of sorts made
  7. And of course lots of pictures and home-sickness

Elusive spots of truth that sometimes made it through

  1. More lessons in boundaries
  2. On staying present in my emotional reality
  3. Leaning in to my wish to being a nomad
  4. Happy moments this month

Postcards from Thailand:

  1. Beach days, all day, erryydayyy
  2. Spectacular sunsets that made me feel overwhelmed, small and insignificant
  3. Affirmations
  4. Pleasant surprises
  5. Some more clarity (holiday edition)
  6. A little basic wisdom (holiday edition)

And of course, there’s always the gratitude:

  1. For food: Like happiness is the truth
  2. For Goa: I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
  3. For VC and his selfless love: We keep this love in a photograph
  4. For Thailand and the privilege to travel: I’ll take a quiet life
  5. For this blog and finishing 12 years of writing it: Days when I couldn’t live my life without you

One month ago: Day 134: April
Two months ago: Day 92: March
Three months ago: Day 60: February
Four months ago: Day 32: January

Two years ago: Day 152: Skies that lie

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