Yesterday, I carried with me, for just a brief while, guilt about changing feelings towards someone in my life. On the one hand, I know this might very well be a passing phase. But, I find myself in a position of numbness and no feeling towards this person. I am feeling lesser and lesser inclined to reach out and connect with them. Because I am also aware of all that has gone into pushing me here to this point, feeling this, the very good reasons for my feelings changing, I also honour and acknowledge this numbness. This state of inaction.
And yet, on the other, there is a little guilt. Guilt about finding myself in this disappointing situation that is so far from the one I had imagined with them.
This morning, I realised there is a also a little grief. Grief about a possible end. That it had to come to this. Grief that I am having to let go of a part of the picture I had in my mind, about the way things would be.
I don’t want to avoid this truth anymore. The truth about how I feel. That I am disappointed, a little sad and also numb. That I wish it were different, but also that I am not feeling inclined to put in the effort. That it’s almost like the ship has sailed. And it is time to walk.
Sometimes, and I know this from experience, a goodbye is temporary. Sometimes it doesn’t even take a proper goodbye. A momentary passage of time, space between us, is good. It makes way for something new. Either an old thing, renewed. Or something entirely new. Either way, it’s okay to feel disappointed, to find it hard to let go. To let go anyway. It’s okay.
Two years ago: Day 172: Things about VC that I never want to forget #17