Day 172: When autumn comes, it doesn’t ask

Yesterday, I carried with me, for just a brief while, guilt about changing feelings towards someone in my life. On the one hand, I know this might very well be a passing phase. But, I find myself in a position of numbness and no feeling towards this person. I am feeling lesser and lesser inclined to reach out and connect with them. Because I am also aware of all that has gone into pushing me here to this point, feeling this, the very good reasons for my feelings changing, I also honour and acknowledge this numbness. This state of inaction.

And yet, on the other, there is a little guilt. Guilt about finding myself in this disappointing situation that is so far from the one I had imagined with them.

This morning, I realised there is a also a little grief. Grief about a possible end. That it had to come to this. Grief that I am having to let go of a part of the picture I had in my mind, about the way things would be.

I don’t want to avoid this truth anymore. The truth about how I feel. That I am disappointed, a little sad and also numb. That I wish it were different, but also that I am not feeling inclined to put in the effort. That it’s almost like the ship has sailed. And it is time to walk.

Sometimes, and I know this from experience, a goodbye is temporary. Sometimes it doesn’t even take a proper goodbye. A momentary passage of time, space between us, is good. It makes way for something new. Either an old thing, renewed. Or something entirely new. Either way, it’s okay to feel disappointed, to find it hard to let go. To let go anyway. It’s okay.

Two years ago: Day 172: Things about VC that I never want to forget #17

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6 thoughts on “Day 172: When autumn comes, it doesn’t ask

  1. Pingback: Day 184: June

  2. Pingback: Day 176: Take a minute, I’ve been sitting here and wondering

  3. Pingback: Day 173: Nobody really likes us, except us

  4. A

    Hello R, I’ve been reading your blog for the last 3-4 years now and I’m your fan for life – including my friends who I couldn’t stop raving about. Was wondering if you could share some of your favorite bloggers or links that you love to read. Would be really thankful.

    Keep up the good work and keep inspiring!

    Big love,
    A

    Like

    1. Hi A, my blog reading patterns have really changed in the many many years that Ive been around. I’m not really into personal blogs so much, and read more inspirational writing, by writers, designers, artists I admire.

      But here are some of my current favourites:
      Cup of Jo
      Austin Kleon
      Design Sponge
      Connie to the Wonnie

      Thank you for delurking :)

      Like

      1. A

        This is what I love the most about you- you teach me something new each day. Be it the gratitude journal – which i’ve asked my friends to start too and now this word – delurking….Ah! You amaze me.

        Happy Weekend =)

        Like

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