Day 173: Nobody really likes us, except us

I’m closing this week feeling a lot of gratitude for work. Specifically the assignment that came at me completely by surprise. The one I felt inclined to take on, totally surprising myself. And the one that has kept me strapped to my chair for the better part of this week.

It’s been a while since I had an assignment so large and demanding, and a deadline so tight. I was a bit wary about how that might feel given it’s been an age since I’ve had full days of work at my desk. But maybe this was just what I needed to shake off the dust, oil the rusty parts of my writing game and get it going again.

Better still, I just may have hit upon a sweet spot of the kind of work I could potentially find myself doing. Something for the long run. Considering all the reasons why I’ve slowed down with my feature writing, I’ve been wondering where to take my writing next. And the nature of this assignment gave me a few clues.

This week, I’m also deeply grateful for the friendship in my life. Even as I’m sitting with a sense of impending loss in this space, this week more than usual, I noticed that despite it all, kinship always reaches me. And it has started to reach me with a sincere, genuinely deep kind of quality that I was missing all along, and craving of late.

In these moments, I realise we’re no longer just simply hanging out or talking (that is great too. I’ve just been craving a little something more). We’re talking about things that matter. Things that someone cared to listen to when I mentioned, packed it away in a corner of their minds and thought about it and me again when the time was right. And cared enough to reconnect over it. We’ve connected.

I realise that I’m connecting with individuals in a manner very different from the one I have known this far. Not too many times before in my life have mere encounters like coffee or breakfast or living room conversations done this weird thing where they quite literally fills my heart up. I don’t know how else to explain it. But the quality of interactions has been physically satisfying, and this fullness is what I’ve been craving but didn’t have the words for. This is a lot for someone whose entire relationship with friendship has hitherto been very-very-connected-(if I were to consider social media etc.)-but-somehow-just-not-satisfied.

VC and I have been having so much more conversation of late. I don’t know what, specifically, has changed to be honest. The logistics of our life are the same — meaning we still have only as much face time as we used to before. But something has moved. We find ourselves choosing to spend time together, actually talking and connecting and sharing, more than before. It is most unlikely of VC, but we ended up going out for coffee twice this week. TWICE. I’m still letting that sink in because the last time he did this, for a lark and of his own volition was when he was pursuing me eleven whole years ago. It’s ridiculous to even admit this, but even as I consider VC my best friend, I’ve always put him in an entirely separate category to the rest of my friends. You know what they say about roaming the world seeking what’s already under your nose? This is a classic example of that. And now is a good time to make a change.

A has been sending me screenshots of inspiration from Instagram (since I’m not on it and can’t see it myself) — snapshots of artists’ creative process, an invitation to a writing retreat in Italy, snippets of food writing — persistently egging me on to get down to revisiting my abandoned food memoir. This is an ongoing conversation we seem to be having and it’s oddly heartwarming to think someone has more faith in my ability to finish this book, than I do.

S and I made it to breakfast at 8 am this week. We picked breakfast in the hope of finishing up quickly and make it back home with more than half the day to spare for regular programming. But we ended up chatting for three hours — deep, heartfelt conversations about everything from friendship and loss, to what it means to “uncouple.” All plans to have a productive day would have been dashed, if not for my very demanding assignment. But, I was happy for the few hours off because it really lifted my day and filled me up.

I’ve been mostly in over my head thinking a world of things. I am also in a space where I want to share some of it with people in a similar headspace. Often it just feels like a lot of effort to “talk” on text. Which makes my niche of people really small, I know. I guess it’s why I’ve been happy to have the opportunity to catch up with the few with whom I have the luxury, because then we can spread ourselves out and really connect, and talk. I’ve been dying to bounce some of these thoughts off in person. I should have reached out earlier, but I didn’t, for whatever reason. And N and I have both been in a similar quandary I suppose — to text (because every time we text it can go on for a while!)? or to contain it some more? But in spectacularly predictable fashion, she reached out to me today and brought up the. exact. same. things. that I’ve been thinking about. And we ended up having a long chat that funnily eased up a lot of wrinkles in my brain.

I really, really missed coming home from class and rehashing the days learning with K and D, like we do when they’re down for their learning. Almost as if someone was listening in on my feelings, D called me to catch up on what happened. Neither of us is the talk-on-the-phone sort. I know this for sure. In person we can yak on for hours on end, but on the phone? Never mind. And yet, there are moments where this happens. We chatted for upwards of 40 minutes last week and it was just the conversation I needed to decompress from all that I had experienced at class.

This is the quality of connection I am talking about. Connecting with someone at a level where we’re willing to push our own boundaries and make some space, it’s a rare and wonderful gift that I am so grateful for.

I told N today that there’s something magical about stopping the wait for something (anything!) to happen like it’s a destination that just refuses to arrive. Every time that I have done it, dropped the feeling of struggling to make something happen (whether work, or overtures of friendship, or the smallest and biggest desires), I realise how much of it is already happening in my life. This week, I realised it’s also happening with friendship.

I’m also grateful for this extended mango season. A gave me some stunning mangoes from her ancestral farm. And our local fruit delivery peeps are still stocking some amazing fruit. VC has been cheating on his attempts to go keto, so bad.

If you’ve been reading for a while, and know anything about me at all, you’ll know that where there’s gratitude there’s also food, no? Niyu cooked us a smashing ramen meal earlier this week. Spicy, packed with flavour and soul-satisfying for a rainy night.

And while we’re thinking about food, this throwback from Thailand. For no reason at all except that it was yummayy.

One year ago: Just breathe
Two years ago: Day 173: Soaked mornings

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One thought on “Day 173: Nobody really likes us, except us

  1. Pingback: Day 184: June

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