Wherever you go, there you are.
A couple of weeks ago, I came under the axe of judgement passed by an ex-employer. And when I got wind of the statements, the unintelligent assumptions/presumptions, the uninformed conclusions they made, I was riled up way more than I imagined I could be.
Purposeless. Directionless. Unfocused. Seeking therapy. Just some of the descriptors used about me. It’s been on my mind ever since. I’m not offended or riled up anymore, but I have been wondering how and why someone who barely knows the insides of my life, especially what I’ve been upto the last 2-3 years, gets off assuming I’m purposeless. And I can only conclude it is because I don’t have any of the obvious markers of “having arrived”. I don’t hold a job. I flit from one thing to the next, whatever takes my fancy. I don’t have the burdens of a family of my own to tend to.
And yet, I’m happy and satisfied.
It doesn’t compute to the average mind, I suppose. The average mind stuck on the hamster wheel of working hard and having a single purpose as the only means to find contentment in life. Even if it comes at the cost of one’s honour, substance and emotional health. We’re a culture chronically obsessed with that kind of measurable achievement as the only tracker of success or happiness, it really saddens me.
My truth is that my only purpose is to enjoy whatever it is I do. Even if it is an entirely new thing everyday. My purpose is to be happy. Healthy. Stable. And I’ll do whatever it takes to get me there. What the average mind stuck on the hamster wheel doesn’t understand is that this too requires commitment, showing up day after day, an unwavering dedication. Even lesser known is the fact that it requires a far higher level of emotional honesty and vulnerability. And to do it without any form of glory or recognition at the end of the line, confuses and befuddles most people.
More and more I’m finding joy in this path, in this manner. Without the obvious gains I used to look for at one time. It’s erratic, it’s unpredictable, it’s downright difficult sometimes. But it has also given me immeasurable joy — the kind no job or form of employment ever has.
The awareness that this is it has been liberating and humbling. And the awareness that this is enough has been so empowering.
In other words, and to borrow from Seth Godin:
Wherever you go, there you are. You’re never going to arrive because you’re already there.
Since May, things have been astir in our lives. Not in an obvious, tangible way. But I’ve carried around a buzzing ball of movement within me, like I’m on the brink of some change, for weeks now. I’ve been edgy with excitement and anticipation because things were beginning to settle in June, showing some sign of what direction they may move in. But it was in July that everything peaked, and suddenly my life has made an unexpected turn again. We’re looking at yet another move.
And yet, looking back now, I can trace a pattern in the events. It makes sense, in retrospect, of course. Not so much when we were in the midst of it, getting from one day to the next. I will always remember July for being the month of a peaceful churn that has gently nudged us towards the next milestone in our journey, while also throwing ample opportunities to rest, travel, enjoy Bangalore and bond with my friends — building a strong foundation of love and comfort that is so needed in the months to come.
And so, we journey on. Throwing ourselves from one experience to the next, borrowing from SG again:
There’s no division between the painful going and the joyous arriving. If we let it, the going can be the joyful part.
More and more I’m finding joy in this path, in this manner. Shifting focus off the elusive goal/destination, and enjoying the ride instead. If this makes me seem purposeless and unfocused to the uninitiated and woefully unaware, so be it.
Rest and Recreation
There were naps. So many naps.
But I made the most of rainy Bangalore days with brunch
Before I ran off to Kerala
Returning to rainy days spent in coffee shops
Before I jetted off to Goa pretty much soon after
Where I worked for a few days and then resumed the R&R
Kerala is so frikking greeeeen in the monsoon!
It was also incredibly wet
But the silence was impeccable
Goa was green. And wet too.
And invariably gives me reasons to breathe and flow
And overwhelms me with the good energy and contentment
There were dog pics. Lots of them.
Because they’re serious distractions
A good trip is one that makes you feel like you’re back in your skin again
And leaves a happy afterglow