I’m still so disoriented, she said to me over a text message.
And pat came my reply, It’s probably the massive full moon. Just go with it and let it pass without fighting it or forcing yourself to be settled and productive.
I find that the full moon is usually a good time to consciously release anything that is within that needs to find its way out. This time though, it has happened quite unconsciously. At a time I needed it the most, that which most needed to be seen and released, seems to have been acknowledged and dropped.
Suddenly, there is some space for something new.
I love a good bit of serendipity, like this. I feel renewed. I feel like I’ve shed and old skin. I feel like a new person.
This deepened love for the moon itself, for the cycles, observing the changes within me and how they tune-up with the moon, has taken me by surprise. The full moon usually brings with it a high energy momentum that kicks in days before and continues days after it. This time too was no different. I was buzzing with an energy I couldn’t explain away otherwise. This manifests in many ways typically bringing insomnia and restless sleep, and long days where I somehow manage to get so much done because the energy just doesn’t run out.
I had long days last week too, staying up watching Netflix or writing. It’s no coincidence that after a whole year of not being able to wake up early enough, I got back on the exercise bandwagon last week. Sunday last week began with a 4 am drive to the airport, post which a hyper-giggly Sunday walk and breakfast happened, a long lunch with VC’s family, a hang with D, only to come home at 6 pm and proceed make a big batch of jam, alongside dinner. It didn’t end there. I sat hunched over my table writing till about midnight, when I actually had to force myself to get to bed.
This time around, it also made my emotions on edge, making the highs super high. My brain was on overdrive and it caused a week of severe overthinking that overwhelmed and exhausted me before I realised or made the connection with the hyper energy being somewhat out of my control. It was two days to the first big full moon of the year, and somehow realising that made me ease up and let it go.
These are all known and expected events. What I didn’t see coming, least expected actually, was a strange sort of release. Like a whole bucketload of old feelings that I’d been carrying around was suddenly shed. Not with a gush and a flourish, but like a slow, silent tipping over of a vessel that’s that full to the brim, causing a peaceful slow trickle.
Something has emptied out of me and I didn’t realise it until a fresh kind of settledness crept in amidst the distraction of high-activity, and took it’s place.
Suddenly my soul seems to have stopped chasing — a process that’s so inconclusive, exhausting and depleting — and choosing what’s here for the taking instead.
The hankering for that elusive something more has been replaced with an appreciation for the natural course of things.
Because there is love. There is just so much love around me right now. It’s not enough, has made way for But this, here, will do for now. This, here, is so much more. This, here, is the way it’s meant to be.