This is my fourth trip to Goa in just six months, and every time that I come here — to this second home, to VC, to this old space I once called home — I see the little things that have changed for me, within me. It’s like seeing an old world with new eyes. And what a difference that makes.
It’s usually small, subtle things. Minor shifts in the way I feel about some of the things I encounter in Goa, and how I manage them. This morning though, it felt like something fundamental has shifted for me, in just the time between my last visit and this one.
Yesterday, I frustratedly chuckled to myself about how the perfection lesson has come back to me yet again. I often think I’ve “cracked” something, in my mind there’s a neat little tick box with a green tick against it. But even more often I am reminded this is not a one way path with to-dos to tick off. Even as I may grasp at and internalise some level of improvement in one area or another, it almost immediately opens up space for more work to be done in that very same area.
I realised I have loosened my grip on the pointless pursuit of perfection in some areas of my life, but I am still hung up, hopelessly caught up and wound up about getting it right, in these other areas of my life that now need looking at. Re-looking at, perhaps.
Even within myself today, I see a sudden shift between the way I’ve been the last two weeks and the way I suddenly am feeling this morning. I’ve carried around a knot of bubbling anxiety/fear in me for nearly two weeks now. I can call it anxiety now because I only just figured out what it was yesterday. Until then I had no clue what it was, where it was coming from or what to do about it. It made me feel knotted up, but also waffly and floaty like I was slowly dissipating with nothing to hold on to. That knot has dissolved, and in its place is a solid whole, filled-up space. I feel solid again, not shaky. I can stand, and I can walk knowing where I’m stepping one foot in front of another.
All it seems to have taken is an honest acknowledgement of the truth about what I am really feeling. Deeply afraid and unanchored.
Ironically, my post from the same day last year talks about something similar –embracing all aspects of emotions equally and giving them a space so I can hold them in equal honour.
When I consciously or unconsciously turn away from that which I cannot or do not want to accept, it only grows larger and begins to feel like a menacing dark cloud chasing me around. When I consciously acknowledge it, give it its place and sit with it, it begins to feel like a part of me returning to find it’s space within me.
In many ways, this completes me and makes me whole, so I can stand again.
As I stand here this morning, feeling a different kind of whole from the way I’ve been feeling these past few weeks, a different kind of me than I’ve been on recent trips here, a new me from the person I was even just yesterday, I begin to see everything that is just the same, look entirely different. And what a refreshing change it is.
One year ago: Out here without a shield