Hanging out with A yesterday fired up the old writing muscle in me. I felt a touch of nostalgia for that life. The one that feels like it was so long ago. A life that I seem to be in a rush to turn away from and leave behind completely, to peel away and cast aside like an old skin.
I see parallels now. A distinct similarity in this and the general way that I have approached all movement towards the new. Accross various aspects of life. It’s much the same, this urge to quickly “reject” the old and move ahead with alacrity, to step into the new. Almost at the cost of the old. To do away with one completely (sometimes with loathing, revulsion — all very charged and intense feelings) almost as if it’s the only way to give myself permission to move ahead.
Today though, there was complete awareness of this urge to run again, and I found myself saying Stay. Hiw can I do this differently this time?
More and more as I notice my deeply held and hard-coded patterns, and as I question them gently and slowly, in time, I see there is a part of me that’s emerging, who is ready to try something new. To cast familiarity to wind and take a leap. Again, it’s a form of moving into something new, but this time, with a decided need to not lose the old completely.
The old that represents all the ways in which I have coped, lived, survived and even thrived. Why must I let it all go?
I feel again and again like I’m being asked to get better, more comfortable with the slow, painstaking, testing process of integrating it all even as I move ahead. To question this habit of constant, complete elimination. To see if I can make choices without this edge of destruction. That has been the default way in which I moved ahead. It’s almost like I push myself to places where I can only make choices if they’re rife with difficulty, forcing myself to severely dislike one, making it so untenable, in order to allow myself to choose the next thing.
I’ve done this with jobs, moving cities and friends alike. I see a pattern now. And I see also a new, nascent fire to test doing it differently.
What would it be like to embrace both sides of the coin, to look at them with grace, and choose one without having to feel so strongly about the other?
This morning, I felt a strong pull to stay for a change, to try and find out.