Somehow all of this silence within, is turning into a real lack of words, both verbal as well as written. This time around, though, I’m experiencing it with a lot of acceptance of the silence. Like I’m settling into it quite easily. It feels right, and there’s a strange new distance from the need to put words to what I’m going through internally.
It’s been interesting to witness because every time that this has happened in the past, I’ve struggled to accept it fully. I’ve acknowledged it and maybe even talked about it, but deep within, I’ve always felt like something is a miss. Not being able to write/talk about what I am going through has always meant something is wrong. Words are and have been a crucial part of my process. And I am grateful for the place they have and the role they have played so far. But I see what has changed now.
This is probably what happens when one puts in a conscious, intentional effort at being emotionally integrated, and reached a point where that effort finally begins to kick in. Things find their place, things settle, things find their natural containment, little spills over, and that’s it. It just is, as it is, and nothing needs further investigation. I’ve found that I don’t seek confirmation/affirmation/validation for any of this from myself, and I’m seeking it less and less from outlets that face the outer world. Like this blog, for example. What I’ve come to realise is that for me, the more I am okay with everything as it is — the slow pace, the self-doubt, the frequent transgressions included — the less there is a need to assuage the niggling confusion and doubt by putting out crystallised, neatly packaged bits of writing explaining it all.
Of course this is all WIP. Maybe I’ll still have days where I’ll wax eloquent about unnecessary details of my emotional process nobody needs to hear, maybe if you’re coming here for articulate emotional writing you’ll have to make do with less of it, maybe I’ll write about many other things, many this blog with transform yet again. But for now I see that when the need for validation ceases to be the primary focus of the sharing, the words have ceased to flow and there’s less inclination or willingness to dissect and verbalise every little detail as much.
Let’s be really honest the reason behind the need to write and track this journey comes in great measure from the need to validate my own process (even just to myself), to track my journey, to have some proof of having a semblance of control or a handle on it. To note this tiny little shift also feels like I’ve let go that much more, loosened up internally. And I don’t need proof of it.
I have not been this much at ease and peace with myself in…actually, probably, ever.