Thinking of this glowy winter morning from last week as I woke up late today, having given myself the option to sleep in. Just a bit.
I wanted to take the opportunity of the day off in this busy week, to sneak in an outdoor run seeing as how the last time I got any exercise or running was nearly two weeks ago. Somehow time is flying even as in the moment, from one day to the next, it feels slower than ever. It’s only when I pause and look back at things like this that I register how much time has actually passed.
Sunday, we drove back eight hours from Manali. I drove most of the journey and while I enjoyed it, it was taxing and had left me quite tired. We stayed Sunday night with T, VCs best friend, and and J his wife, who were in Chandigarh at the same time. So our time was spent catching up and socialising rather than relaxing if we had been on our own. On Monday, our travel began early at 10 am, returning our rental car in one end of town and driving to the airport at the other end. A five hour flight with a stop over on Mumbai without getting off the flight and multiple inordinate delays at every step of the way had us get home only at 10.30 pm. I jumped straight into unpacking and doing two loads of laundry because I knew the days ahead would leave me with no time. VC has had his own plans too so I didn’t want to pile it on him.
This didn’t leave me with enough time to unwind and rest. I went straight to class early Tueaday morning and spent the next two days in intensive learning and practice. This usually leaves me quite physically exhausted.
Today, I have a days break and two more days of class again. Then just a single days break again before I pack and head out to Goa next week.
I’d have liked to do absolutely nothing today, and I realised how much blissfully easier it is to do that when one is alone. VC is around, my dad arrives tonight and I myself am quite sick of eating out so I had to get myself out of bed to check the state of the kitchen and cook us some lunch and dinner.
This morning as I stirred, I felt a sense of overwhelm from the pace of the last couple of days catch up with me and cause a churn in my chest. So I turned off my early alarm, threw the blanket over my head and went right back to sleep for another couple of hours.
I just cannot seem to be on the run and hustle anymore. And I’m fighting the urge to beat myself up over it and whip myself into action. There are always options, to getting out and being on the run myself and I’m trying more and more to give myself allowance with that. Outsource, make do without that little something extra, order in, luxuriate when possible, rest even when it’s not time to rest.
This need to keep doing is so, so, so, deeprooted in me. And even as I gain better comfort with letting it go and learning to be, rather than do, the vestiges of that old self keep creeping in from time to time. Just to test if she can still appear and make her presence felt. She’s a tough cookie.
But this restful me is tougher today than ever before. I’m grateful for the day off today. It is just the break I needed. To sleep in, eat home cooked food, veg out with VC, catch up with S, and also meet my father later tonight.