There’s an air of victory I’m feeling, all round. I woke up to the realisation that despite the challenging, oftentimes dark and daunting nature of this year’s course, I’ve actually come full circle. This has been a first, true experience in regulating and managing myself through the entire cycle — from meeting trauma, sitting with all that it threw up, working through it even in the face of the urge to fight or flight, finding ways to have my needs met, dipping into my resources and persevering through to the finish.
I started not knowing why specifically I wanted to do the course, and going with it purely because I felt drawn to the work in a deep way. And I am nearing the close with clarity about how specifically I see myself putting the work into practice.
This feels like victory. Because the perseverance hasn’t been the cognitive sort I typically resort to. It hasn’t been mind over matter where I push against the grain. It has come gently from within, taking myself through the periods of discomfort slowly rather than pushing through it. Getting my needs fulfilled, and being my own keeper of safety has been such a new development. I’ve been slow, very gentle and keenly present to everything that I have experienced and felt, every step of the way.
I haven’t merely taken myself through the rigmarole. I have found alignment for myself where none existed. It has been challenging and one of the most difficult things I have done in my adulthood.
So it really feels like victory of a very different kind. And it is sweeeeeet.
The realisation made me super emotional this morning. I felt on edge and very raw and vulnerable driving to class this morning and I covered it up with a bright blue dress and bright red lipstick. And then I wondered why I needed to hide any of it at all. The emotions rising to the surface or the undeniable victorious feeling.
And so I let it go. There were tears of joy in the first hour of class. A rush if emotions and a front of true stepping into an aspect of myself that is such new territory, I’m not sure what to do with it yet. As I ease into this newfound power and presence, I wish for gentleness. With myself and everything that may arise from all the newness and unfamiliarity I am experiencing.
I’m grateful for good timing, providence if you want to call it that, for the way things have unfolded in such a relevant and timely manner for me this past year. It’s really affirmed my faith in that something bigger and beyond us.
One year ago: And you pray that one day you’ll be seen between the shadows
Two years ago: On being present
Three years ago: Love, loss and what we ate