Thankfully, today’s rain wasn’t as severe as the full ass storm we landed into yesterday.
For a while now, I’ve been feeling a sense of a separation, of individuation, from various things in my life. It showed up primarily, in a big and apparent way in class. But I am slowly also seeing it in other aspects of my life too. With people, with experiences, with friends, with a phase. It’s a sense of feeding myself, fulfilling my needs in a self-regulated manner, and being able to move on cleanly.
To my shock, today I felt the same about Goa. I have, for too long now, carried the feeling that my time here was always tainted with a sense of struggle and having to try so hard at everything. To find work, to meet good people, to make friends, to feel fulfilled in a whole way. And those fundamental needs, as long as I’ve been looking to fulfill them outwardly, ways felt unmet. No matter how hard I tried.
The more I a work towards integrating and filling myself up, the more I’m finding resources for a majority of my needs within myself. Either that, or the wherewithal to get what I need from elsewhere. There is a significant movement from that childlike, primal, fundamental needy way in which I have needed things — from people and places — and the way in which I experience these same needs now.
Something within my is filled up. And it has made that bitterness, that feeling of being wronged all the time, of having gotten a wrong deal, so much lesser. None of this is to discount the shitty things that have happened, but the charge they have carried has significantly reduced.
All my trips here this past have been strangely bittersweet, an odd flux between feeling between two worlds. Settled and ready to fly. This time, aided by the sense of closure that has come from VCs decision to return to Bangalore, I feel palpably like this chapter is done. And it is a relief to be moving on without that need to run, getaway, leave behind, erase and sever all that Goa has been — which is what I did the last time around.
Gratitude for the cradle life has created for me for all these years, as I navigated and understood what it means to grow into an adult and be there for myself. Gratitude for the situations life has thrown at me this year, to show me how ready and capable I am of flying the nest. Gratitude for life’s little coincidences in leading the way.
One year ago: They say you were always enough