It’s “exam” day and I’m going in reminding every cell in my body of how relaxed, freed of expectations and liberated from the need to perform, I have been feeling recently, so I can stay with that completely. This is the first time in my life that the expectation in such a situation isn’t to perform but to instead surrender to what is authentically me. Even as I enjoy blissful levels of comfort with this newfound ability to truly be, it is constantly testing me, throwing up strange demons old and new.
It’s especially hard when, like me and like each one of us, you’re a product of a capitalist, performance-oriented economy, and a society that wants nothing but to see only the best of you and none of the filth at all. Forcing you to filter it all out and only project only the “good”, well behaved, well put together parts of yourself out into the world.
I suppose this is the other side of seeing the light. To constantly face invitations to slip back into the dark, and choose time and time again to stay with my truth.
That said, I’m inexplicably excited about the “examination” today and that is truly a first.
One year ago: I’m feeling outshined