Incremental change

Almost one month of the year down, and I finally feel like the pace is finding some semblance of balance and normalcy. My days are even and I have time to do it all, with ease.

I accidentally stumbled on a list I made on 01/01/2019 — a list of things I want. I think it was meant to be an open-ended list containing some of the most basic to the wildest wants that I had for the year. I saw it and chuckled. It’s sweet how I can dream, unhindered. And it’s sweeter still how much of that “wild list” that I actually forgot about, got done. This is the second such list for the past year that I have stumbled on, and I have made the same pleasant discovery both times.

I won’t go into details about the “wildest” wants that didn’t see fruition but here are some of the things that did, and that paid off very well.

  • To spend at least 10 minutes each day writing — really writing, pen to paper — in a notebook
    Okay, so the real notebook writing habit faded away within three months or so, but I did continue to write everyday and the ways in which this habit has changed and grown has really meant something deeper to me
  • To wake up early and start some form of exercise again
    Haha, I laugh hard reading this today because I know just how far off the bandwagon I was at the start of 2019, and I know what it took to get back on, and how far I have come since then. The difference is staggering
  • To do more tarot
    This was one wonderful, really pleasant, immensely satisfying development. Another habit that has grown and transformed me very internally in the process.
  • To be a little more mindful about taking care of my skin
    I started an actual skin-care regimen this year. Something I thought I’d never do. I realised how much my skin reflects the state of my internal (gut) health and emotional health, and I began to really make a effort towards balancing them
  • To be more in touch with my body, all that it holds and all that it can tell me
    This was something I have not just gotten better with, but also something I think I cannot do without now. Being in contact with my body has become essential, and I can tell immediately when I lose contact, these days. It has been a direct result of the family constellations, and the ongoing therapy I’ve been working with


One thing that struck me when I saw this list was a general sense fo ease and acceptance that has pervaded them over the year. For a few years now, I have ditched the term “goal” in favour of “milestones”. It has helped look at these as markers of somewhere I’d like to be, rather than an exact spot I’m aspiring to reach. It’s given me a broad range, a zone to work towards, a spectrum of acceptable outcomes, rather than a single, rigid fixed notion of what the outcome of each of these should be.

Last year, more than every before, I realised that this ease can only come with working towards acceptance. And that began with the understanding that acceptance isn’t a switch in the head that can be turned on and off. It’s not even an emotion. It is a willingness to look at reality differently. With playing with reality as it is, allowing it to do things to me, rather than constantly going against the grain to make it different.

One year ago: The changing face of loneliness
Two years ago: How about me enjoying the moment for once

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