I have been deep in anger territory with my self work and at therapy. Really touching the red-hot scalding spaces of previously untouched anger, and staying there long enough to see what it can show me that I have been unwilling to see this far. And so it is no surprise that the way the world is spinning out of control for many months now, just escalating and unravelling every single day, has been feeling very personal and triggering some deep emotions in me.
I hold these emotions close. Not very many people are privy to it. I’ve also learned late, to choose who to share my vulnerabilities with. And even so, when I find expression for this angry, red-hot, scalding anger that I have never experienced before, it isn’t pretty. It isn’t well-presented, or articulate or easy to digest. And so the response is often one of two things 1) whataboutery 2) suggestions to do something constructive with my anger.
Both valid. Maybe. Maybe. But more often than not these days, I am leaning fully into expression of previously unexpressed emotion, just for the fuck of expression. Fuck the action. For now, if I am tapping into generations of unexpressed anger, I am going to take my time befriending it. And I am not sorry that sometimes the expression of it is not pretty or put together.
I am not always sorry that I unravel, let my mouth run loose, and break down, the way that I have been the last few months. It has been building slowly since December, and some days I really get to the point of wondering how much more I can take.
Today, I saw these words by Maya Angelou and they spoke straight to my heart.
You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.
I think I may be making the distinction between pure anger and jaded bitterness — a space I have occupied for too long, mistaking it for anger. I know for a fact that isn’t obvious on the outside. Especially not to people deeply discomfited by this development within me. But in my bones I feel it. There is energy in this anger. It is slowly and steadily building, and I feel okay in not knowing what the way forward holds or what I am being called to do next.
I am okay because I know deadly solid within my core, that it is only through doing and experiencing authentically, that a way ahead will emerge.