It’s been a really stupid day. And a stupid week. Testing my patience and resilience to the max and I’m happy to report I didn’t allow myself to be tested and come out on top, rather gave in to the overall shittiness that has ensued.
I a bit stumped (and also angry) to think the personal upheaval of being in class last week might have triggered it all, making these slightly challenging (otherwise normal) circumstances a bit more exaggerated in my experience. I’ve gone from being okay with the ebb and flow of everything to totally resenting and resisting the slump I’ve found myself in this week.
There is a definite grieving of an ending. Of this phase of learning finishing and having to leave the nest. But there is also immense grief of being consistently gaslit through this experience. And such sadness at the realisation that I have spent so much energy in gritting my teeth and getting through, energy that could have been spent in being fully present instead.
At first I thought it was the energy dip that I usually go through after three days of intense work in class. But it’s persisted. Stayed and stayed and stayed. I’ve struggled through working out, I’ve been largely unmotivated, extra emotional. It’s never fun when I’m in this sort of a funk, but at least my work and the general state of togetherness I have managed to gather in the past months takes me thru.
That seems to have been turned upside down over the weekend. And a part of me is fucking pissed. Mad at events that transpired for triggering this spiral. Mad at folks. Mad at myself even a little bit.
Today, on top of all of this, my laptop has gone silently into the night. Dead. Third laptop in about 6 years. Which is ridiculous considering the amount I spend on them.
Overall it hasn’t been a kind week. It’s been hard to be happy even with the sparks I have had here and there.
This was one such:
First-time blooms on this most unsuspecting plant. It mostly looks like lush grass,of the wild sort. And I like it because I much prefer greens to flowers. But I least expected to see such a dainty, elegant bloom show up suddenly on this otherwise reedy plant.
It made my morning.
Other than that, I’m mostly wanting to just go underground for a bit and not come up till I don’t know when.
One year ago: Wash-out
Two years ago: July
Three years ago: What coming home feels like: Kinship, quietude and becoming