Random thoughts that have been gnawing at my brain slowly over the past few days, building up to something, I’m not sure what as yet.
- I don’t want to be special. I just want to be happy.
I have mixed them up or conflated the two for a major part of my lfie thus far. The past few years I’ve realised and embraced slowly how average, regular and normal I am. And that it is enough. It makes me happy. I’m also not using “happy” lightly here, not indicating a state of mind or a necessarily chirpy/positive emotion, but a state of wellness and acceptance of whatever situation I may traverse in life.
- I don’t want to be woke. I just want to be me.
I’m growing tired of having to choose the higher ground as dictated by popular culture, woke culture, social media culture, op-ed culture, and the self-defeating super-left group that I was aligned to. As I’m discovering my own politics in a deeper way, there is a quiet that has come about. A think-before-you-decide, listen-more-than-you-speak, kind of quiet that has made me realise that i) barring a few fundamental beliefs that may not change greatly, most other beliefs are going to be forever WIP, fluid and ever-changing because that is simply a function of evolution. I have looked down on this in the past as a sign of being flakey or having insubstantial beliefs. I know this is not true, and it was a stupid, naive way of looking at things ii) no matter how well-versed I am with any subject, there will always be many, many things I am yet to learn and I want to be always open to that. Which brings me to #3
- There is so much about so many things that I don’t know.
The more I am training myself to get out of strictly binary ways of thinking, the more I am finding space for the middle ground. The space where there is no certainty or surety the poles/extremes offer. There is power in trying to understand both sides in an informed, unbiased way. It is super hard to do, and I have such a long way to go. But the more I do this, the more I realise how little I actually know and how much more there is to discover. I’m also learning, painfully, that the only way to truly widen my perspectives and allow for the middle ground to be fruitful is to listen to the opinions and experiences, of even the ones I loathe and despise, the ones that make me super uncomfortable. The lives experiences and beliefs of people who aren’t speaking from mere opinion or carefully gathered knowledge. And I am trying to shed the belief that giving “that side” a listening ear makes me flakey, or makes my beliefs wishy-washy.